IVF – Sconnie Molly

WHY CAN’T I HAVE APPLE CIDER

I mean, I know why not, but it’s total bullshit. What is fall without apple cider, I ask you? All the good shit is unpasteurized.

We are officially making the holiday pilgrimage to Wisconsin December 18-31 and I am PUMPED. Who knows to what lengths my belly will have grown by then!

In organizing our travel plans, I was reminded of a crude fact of living in a place without nearby family or close friends: you have to pay people to do shit for you, shit that your family or close friends would have done as a matter of course if you still lived among them. I don’t mean mooching! I mean the little life chores that people do for each other – in a symbiotic way – when they care about one another. Dropoffs/pickups at the airport, or when your car is in the shop. Pet-sitting. Babysitting. Bringing food when someone’s sick. Random errands. I’ve done all those things and had all of them done for me over the years. I suppose that’s called having a support system, and though we’ve made a few friends here, we do not have a support system. And that’s why, no matter how beautiful Seattle is, no matter how much money might possibly be made here, no matter how much I love Biscuit Bitch, we can’t stay here indefinitely. I need our people, and I will especially need them once Baby Nagappala makes their debut. (And also, I’m too afraid of the Cascadia Subduction Zone.) (I am warning you, the article linked is really fucking scary, you probably shouldn’t read it, I think about it every goddamn day.)

Anyway. I’ve always said the move is temporary. In other news…

What I’m reading: The Water Dancer, by Ta-Nehisi Coates, which I believe is his first foray into fiction. I’ve read everything else he’s written and found it excellent; so far the novel does not disappoint.

What I’m watching: Several months ago I watched the first two episodes of Succession and then kind of forgot about it. Now V has taken it up with me and we’re about halfway through the first season. Rich people are terrible, you guys. And as it turns out, terribly compelling.

Of course given the season, we are also watching a ton of football. My fantasy team, the Iron Jawed Angels, is currently 4-2 and playing against V’s team this week. (I am always terrible at naming things, but I happen to think I.J.A. is a pretty badass team name.)

What I’m listening to: Look, I usually think Dax Shepherd is pretty annoying, but I am enjoying his Armchair Expert podcast. He gets into every guest’s whole life story and you learn a lot of crazy things about them. I skip around and only listen to the people I’m actually interested in, of course: Charlie Day, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bill Hader, Kumail Nanjiani, Kaitlin Olson (yeah, there really should be more women). Dax has a female co-host who…almost never talks? I don’t know what that’s about. But the most recent episode is with Monica Lewinsky and that’s obviously gonna be amazing.

Baby Nagappala update: We’re on week 17. According to the Bump app, during this week the baby is the size of a pomegranate, and its feet are the size of gummy bears (!).

We are in heavy name-brainstorming mode, and I obviously will not share the contenders here, but it is true what they say: you never realize how many people you hate until you have to name a child. I’m picking out registry items too, but am so overwhelmed by the research that needs doing on car seats, cribs, high chairs, etc that I have mostly just selected cute outfits and accessories so far.

I’m dealing with a lot of lower back pain; it’s usually brought on by overdoing it on my walks, so then I am housebound for a couple days trying to recover, unable to do the one thing everyone agrees I MUST be doing (walking). It has become a bit of a cycle.

img_20191017_213341 — *Week 17, day 3. You get a nice bump close-up this time because mama’s eczema is flaring up and she is NOT fit for public viewing at this time.*

What else is going on: Isis has her yearly vet appointment this weekend, which is not a big deal, but she’s been a little odd lately. She’s thrown up a couple times, and left a gift from her bowels in the guest room while we were in Portland last weekend. And of course she’s still gnawing off all of her fur she can reach, every chance she gets. Her tummy is literally bald, it’s so sad. I’m sure she’s fine but she’s no kitten anymore so I get worried sometimes.

Been pitching some things. No recent success to share. Maybe I should write about pregnancy? Because that’s a really under-discussed topic. #sarcasmfont

At Last

*At Last was the song our bridal party walked down to at our wedding and it also feels appropriate now!

So yeah. ICYMI…I’m gonna have a baby. I’m going to be a mom and V is going to be a dad and we’re going to be parents. You know…real adults!

Just kidding, I know far too many parents with and without their shit together to believe that parenthood makes anyone an actual grownup. “Real adults” is quite relative.

It’s a heady thing, pregnancy! And it’s why I haven’t blogged most of the summer – I had no idea how to talk about what was going on with me without mentioning THE biggest thing. So to catch you up, here’s how it’s been thus far…

Finding out: V and I both took off work on the day that we would find out if our embryo had successfully implanted. We wanted to be together for the news, whether it was good or bad. And as soon as the fertility clinic nurse called, I knew – her voice was too cheerful to be bad news.

Weeks 5-7: My main pregnancy symptoms were super painful boobs, super painful constipation, exhaustion, and nausea. During week 7 I went to Disneyland for beloved Michelle’s bachelorette party, and that was Quite. A. Day. I had a great time despite not being able to ride a lot of the cool stuff, and the sandals I wore (researched exhaustively before purchasing to ensure quality and comfort) held up, but I was BEAT by the end of the night.

Weeks 8-10: The bad symptoms started to wane. We visited family in Fresno and brought V’s mom back to Seattle with us. She spoiled us with homemade food and I took video of her making dosas so I could potentially attempt it myself at some point. I was still very tired most of the time and took lots of naps.

Weeks 11-now: I had my first real OB appointment, after “graduating” from the fertility clinic. I had no idea how to pick an OB and obviously we haven’t lived here long enough to know very much about the local medical scene. That does make me wish we were home in Madison, where I had the same insurance company and system of care for literally my whole life and everything was familiar. But anyway, I liked my doctor, and we got to see an ultrasound where Baby’s head was discernible (and not much else). They did a bunch of blood tests (11 vials worth!), all of which have come back normal, much to our relief. After that, we finally felt ready to “go public”, even though some of our close friends and family already knew.

Cravings I have had: Nothing exotic. There’s nothing in this world that could make me crave, like, pickles – not even pregnancy. I’ve wanted Egg McMuffins (sans meat, and besides, who really wants Canadian bacon anyway, even if you do eat meat), potatoes in all their glorious forms, and this French brioche bread I found at Trader Joe’s that is just magical. So, you know, nutrition is…something we are working on. The Egg McMuffins have been funny, because while we’ve lived in Seattle we’ve eaten very, very little fast food and anyway, there’s not much on those menus that we can eat even if we wanted to. That has changed!

Things I did not know about pregnancy but do now: maternity jeans are weird-looking!! I never knew that they didn’t actually have zippers or buttons – or POCKETS! That really pisses me off. A lady needs pockets, for God’s sake. Also, pregnancy brain is a very real thing. I’ve accidentally left my phone at home when going out more times in the last few weeks than ever before in my life. Relatedly, I have gotten rather clumsy, like *nearly* tripping or knocking something over a lot, just not really looking where I’m going. I think it’s driving V crazy.

Image result for pregnancy brain meme

The amount of love we’re getting from people who are happy for us and celebrating with us is so, so appreciated and kind of cathartic, also, because everyone knows what a long struggle this has been. I’ll definitely be writing about it, but because I’ve been there, I want to tell anyone for whom this subject is painful that it is ABSOLUTELY FINE to block me, mute me, unfollow me, do whatever you need to do for as long as you need to do it. I’m going to write about my pregnancy because I write about my life and because I want to fully absorb and be able to remember how all of this felt. And I 100% understand if you don’t want to hear it. Only pretty recently have I unblocked/unmuted/re-followed a number of the new parents among my friends. Do what you need to do, chin up, I love you.

img_20190904_095638 — September 4, 2019 (week 11)

#Snowmageddon2019

We’re on day 4 of #SeattleSnowpocalypse2019. V and I left the house on Saturday by foot to get supplies at Trader Joe’s (sugar, mainly – forgot the goddamn milk) but other than that, we’ve been totally housebound. I learned my lesson from the first snowstorm a week ago, when I tried driving to one of my Wag walks in Fremont. I eventually made it there, but not without some seriously scary sideways spinning down 4th Avenue North. On the hills that don’t get much sun, you’re pretty much screwed.

It’s not normally like this here, or so I’ve gathered from stalking various Seattle weather blogs over the last week or two. Figures the most snow in 50 years would occur in our first Seattle winter.

I don’t know if I’m stir-crazy or if I’ve already drained any talent I had or what, but I’ve had a really hard time writing just about anything for like a month. I’ve applied for a couple of full-time writing-adjacent jobs, one of which I learned today I didn’t get. So I kind of just moped around the apartment and did laundry and made oatmeal Raisinet cookies, because sugar is my preferred coping mechanism. The first couple of days into #snowpocalypse I started Marie Kondo-ing the shit out of everything I could: my bookcases, the kitchen cabinets, my clothes. I replaced my janky mismatched collection of plastic and wire hangers with a sleek matching set that takes up less space and now my closet looks like a dream. But there’s only so much decluttering and tidying one can do before one looks around and feels very very spent. Satisfied, but spent.

The stir-craziness has also led me to keep fantasizing about the solo trip I want to take. I can’t decide where to go, but I want to do it fairly soon. There are so many people I’d love to visit, but honestly, I don’t really want this trip to be about visiting friends or family. Kind of defeats the purpose of going solo and trying to be independent. So I’ve been brainstorming places where I don’t really know anyone. I’m currently considering Santa Fe, NM; Savannah, GA/Charleston, SC; and San Diego. Warm places. Sunny places.

We are probably going to begin IVF in a couple of months. We’ll be fortunate enough to have some insurance coverage for it soon, so it sort of makes sense to give it a shot (oh and there will be shots). I’ve given more thought to adoption as well. Today I finished Nicole Chung’s All You Can Ever Know, which was a super popular and highly celebrated memoir last year, about her experience growing up as a Korean adoptee to white parents. It’s all so very complicated, the questions of identity and belonging that come with adoption, especially when it is transracial. I expect that if we do adopt someday, it will be from India, but who knows. There are so many variables and questions and hazards – ethical adoption is not necessarily the default.

What I’m Reading:

Before Nicole Chung’s book, I read and loved Abbi Jacobson (Broad City)’s I Might Regret This. Her essays are actually centered around a solo road trip, which has obviously been inspiring some of my daydreaming. I don’t particularly want to drive across the country for my journey, but she did make it sound like a lot of fun and adventure. I’m not even the biggest Broad City stan, but I like Abbi and her voice a lot.

What I’m Watching:

We’ve begun Schitt’s Creek, which is so far pretty good, but neither V nor I can really see where it’s going to go for the 5 seasons we know it has. Maybe that’s a good thing? Nonetheless, I’ll take most any excuse to watch Catherine O’Hara, Eugene Levy, and Eugene Levy’s eyebrows play fishes out of water.

eugene levy

Also watched the first episode of Russian Doll, because I keep hearing great things, but it didn’t really *grab* me so I don’t know if we’ll continue. Again though, any excuse to listen to Natasha Lyonne’s gravelly voice.

What I’m Buying:

These are the hangers I bought for my closet. They’ll change your life. They’re on clearance. They are not paying me to say this. You can thank me later.

What I’m Listening To:

Isis snoring. And V watching some video on his phone. And the high-pitched humming sound that comes from Lake Union a couple times per hour for no clear reason and whose origin has been hotly debated on our neighborhood’s NextDoor. And the very, very quiet sound of snow turning into sleet.

balcony snow — our balcony, around 3:00pm today

Halloween twenty eighteen

All I am doing to celebrate Halloween today is eating a few more Dove dark chocolates than usual. A normal day I have 3 or 4. Today it’s been maybe 7? I know. The wildness.

I guess I liked Halloween enough as a kid; I dressed up in different years as Raggedy Ann, a princess, a “fifties girl” wearing a poodle skirt and my dad’s high school letter jacket – that one I recycled at least twice, I loved it so much. In college I did the slutty thing, one year as a French maid and one year as a “sexy gangster” – although looking back at the photos, honestly, neither costume was terribly risqué and I have no regrets.

But since then I’ve only dressed up and/or gone to a party a couple of times. And now that we’re firmly in our 30s, it’s obviously more about people’s kids now. Halloween is one of the few days a year that parenting looks genuinely fun. Of course I know a lot of work goes into some of those elaborate costumes, but really, you can put a cute kid in anything and people will gush. So, I don’t know, I guess Halloween is a little sad for me lately. I haven’t said much in recent months about our infertility issues because well, duh, we’ve kind of had some other shit to deal with. But now that we’re somewhat “settled in” here, we’re going to check out some of the Seattle-area fertility clinics and talk about maybe doing (yet another – like the 4th or maybe 5th) IUI or perhaps starting in vitro. IVF is so scary. I don’t want to do it. But maybe that’s what it’s going to take.

We are developing our new routines. Once a week we take the bus to eat breakfast at the Belltown Biscuit Bitch and have ourselves each an egg cheese & vegetarian sausage Bitchwich. V usually can’t finish his so I kindly help him out. Every Saturday we try to go for a walk around Green Lake, which is a beautifully peaceful 2.8 miles populated with a truly insane number of adorable doggos. (Seriously, Seattle has a TON of dogs, but at Green Lake it is on another level.) I’ve been exploring different neighborhoods on foot and via public transit, including the very nice (and simple) light rail. I go to coffee shops a lot and order Diet Cokes (though today I tried a delicious blood orange and hibiscus tea) and attempt to write.

Speaking of coffee, after agreeing we were both feeling pretty lonely, on Monday V and I joined a Meetup group that does trivia all over the city. It was us and three other dudes, very friendly and cool guys. One of the trivia rounds was “coffee” and wouldn’t you know, we’d somehow managed to assemble the only five people in the city of Seattle who do not drink coffee. We bombed that round, but actually ended up winning the night and leaving Mama’s Kitchen $11 richer. So maybe Meetup is all right.

What I’m Reading:

Just started “Calypso” by David Sedaris. I used to read his books as soon as they came out but I’m quite late on this one. It’s predictably great thus far.

What I’m Watching:

V keeps saying we’ll start Man In the High Castle soon. Tonight we watched the pilot of Bodyguard on Netflix, and I can’t say I hate Richard Madden (Robb Stark!) in a suit, but I’m hoping more happens in the next episode.

What I’m Listening To:

I made a playlist specifically for the hills and sets of stairs I must climb whenever I leave the apartment. Highlights include “Apes***” by Beyoncé and Jay-Z, some Cardi B, some of The Donnas, and “Cupid Shuffle” because damn if that bop doesn’t get you moving.

What I’m Fuming About:

White Nationalists. People who don’t vote. Writer’s block. Isis’s incessant overgrooming for which we are seeing a vet on Friday and for which maybe we will try curing with some CBD oil or something. And maybe Isis will share.