moving – Sconnie Molly

Re-established

So we are “settled” now in Madison, by which I mean living in our own apartment with our own belongings.

Where we once had a view of beautiful Lake Union from our balcony in Seattle, we now have a view of…a car dealership and a drainage pond. It’s not exactly picturesque, but I cannot really complain because the apartment itself is fabulous and perfect for the three of us.

My mom comes down a couple days a week to help with Ashwin and it is difficult to put into words what that means to me. In practical terms, it means I can run errands or nap or do chores or just fucking breathe for a bit without consoling a screaming 7 month old. But it also means I’m really home now, and my baby and my parents are totally bonded and in love with each other, and they don’t have to make do with video chats and Facebook posts. And that is priceless.

Life definitely hasn’t returned to pre-pandemic normalcy, but for my own circumstances, things are a bit more normal than they were in March. I definitely limit my in-person shopping compared to the Before Times, and we don’t eat at restaurants indoors (very rarely outdoors either, almost always takeout or delivery). I’m starting to forget what the Before Times were like, though – we watch TV and I get anxious seeing people standing 12 inches apart and unmasked. Or they’re in a restaurant and it’s like oh my god i remember when i could do that. I still haven’t seen the majority of my extended family since being back in Wisconsin, which is a huge bummer because I’d love to have a big meet-the-baby party.

Something I saw on Twitter the other day…a photo of San Francisco, all orange from wildfire smoke, and people wearing masks and the comment of like, imagine having to explain to yourself from last year that no, the masks aren’t for the smoky air, they’re for something else entirely. 2020 just wants to be the shitshow to end all shitshows, I guess, and it is only September.

The Week's Best Memes, Ranked - Digg — *how is it even possible that this is my first MJ meme.*

Through a freelance writing course that I’m currently taking, I’ve started a practice of daily writing for 20 minutes – something I’ve always known that I should do, if I want to be a successful writer, but which I’ve never been able to actually do until now. I am not good at setting new habits. But I set an alarm for 9:00pm every night, after Ashwin has gone to bed and we’ve eaten dinner and watched our TV show. Some days I get to it before 9:00, if my mom is taking care of Ashwin, but most days it’s right around then. I hope eventually it will serve as a generator of article ideas, but right now it’s mostly brain vomit – which serves its own purpose, frankly.

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What I’m reading:

“Redefining Realness” by Janet Mock. I will be totally candid and say that I have some learning to do about the “T” in LGBTQ. It’s not difficult for me to understand men being attracted to men or women being attracted to women or any combination thereof; I learned long ago (thanks, women’s studies!) that sexuality is a spectrum and very few of us are really all the way on one pole or the other. But because I’m cis, because I was born into a body that makes sense to me, and because the gender binary is so deeply rooted in our society’s paradigms, it takes a little more work and imagination for me to understand what it might be like to be transgender. I’ve read one other “trans memoir” before this but I’m enjoying Janet Mock’s, as she’s one of the most famous trans people in the world and has a really compelling story.
“The Vanishing Half” by Brit Bennett. Loved her first book but so far this one is even better. I have so little time/energy to read these days but when I do get to it, it’s a lovely treat.

What I’m watching:

“Search Party” on HBO Max. This show is good, y’all. It savagely satirizes millennials while being a suspenseful story that kind of starts out as a whodunit and…well, to say more would get spoiler-y, but you really should check it out if you have access to HBO Max.
House Hunters while feeding Ashwin, always. V and I love to hate these ridiculous couples and it’s a great background show.

What I’m seething about:

Climate change. Like…is there going to come a time when we begin to take this shit seriously or does a deep red state have to start burning in order for the evil man in the White House to take notice? There is so very much to be scared about in the event of his reelection, but climate change is very high up on that list for me. The smart scientists say we don’t have much time left and I am inclined to believe the overwhelming majority of professionals in any field of science in what they have to say. Crazy, right?
The fact that Russia is again going to fuck with our election, is in fact already fucking with it, and we are doing fuck-all about it
What these students said
Who needs Russia to fuck things up when you’ve got a state Supreme Court throwing the whole absentee ballot process into confusion?
How it has rained ALL WEEK and therefore I’ve been even more cooped up inside than usual and the one time I did venture out on a stroller walk with Ashwin, we (I) got soaked

Limbo

I’m writing this from my phone, because my laptop is with the goddamn movers, so excuse any bad formatting. I won’t bore you with an entire blog bitching and moaning about our second horrible experience with a professional moving company. Instead I’ll bore you with my body issues, doesn’t that sound better?!

I saw postpartum depression/anxiety coming. I knew I’d deal with it. I am dealing with it. It’s fine.

But I kind of didn’t anticipate how much I would hate my postpartum body. More specifically, my post-pumping body, because for as long as I continued pumping, my weight was actually *under* my pre-pregnancy weight and ohh, did I feel good and smug about that.

But I only lasted 3 months pumping, because I am not built to live my entire life in 3-hour segments around the clock. That shit was brutal, so stopping when I did was the right call and I have zero regrets. I knew the weight probably would not be as easy to keep off once I stopped. It’s not even really so much about the numbers as it is about the… distribution. I’ve gained a muffin top that would make Jenna Maroney jealous. (You may or may not get that reference but I can’t link to the song from the 30 Rock episode because YouTube doesn’t have it and if there’s another way, I’m too lazy to find it.)

Clothes just don’t fit, man! If it were as simple as going up a size, I could handle it, it’s not like that’s never happened before. But even up a size (or two) nothing LOOKS quite right. Because my body isn’t right. It’s expanded in all the wrong places. I don’t recognize it. I look in the mirror and all I can think is uggghhhh.

I know, I KNOW, that it is wildly unrealistic to expect my body to look the same as it did before I incubated and birthed a human. That’s an unfair, sexist expectation borne of our massively misogynistic culture and designed to keep me in a constant loop of dieting, self-hating, weighing, falling off the wagon, and dieting some more.

It’s not actually very fashionable to say you’re “on a diet” anymore, in fact it sounds super ’90s/Kirstie Alley for Jenny Craig to my ears, but the focus on “healthy lifestyles” and “wellness” that we have now is really no different. It all means the same thing: thin. We might act like it means something more holistic, more enlightened, less rigid, but 99.9% of the time it still comes down to how good you look in a swimsuit or yoga pants or whatever. Nobody likes a mom bod. And it’s so dumb because mom bods are fucking HEROIC. If there was any justice in this world mom bods would be celebrated as the most desirable and the most impressive and the most coveted of all bods. This badass woman on Instagram said it better than I can.

Looking at my Facebook memories recently, I noticed a post I made several years ago as Kate Middleton was about to have her first baby. I was warily anticipating the usual “Check out how she lost the baby weight!” tabloid stories (“just portion control and lots of water!!!” Another 30 Rock reference for you) and I said something like new moms have 16,000 other things to worry about besides weight, how about we cut them some slack. And here I am, a new mom, worrying about at least 16,000 other things…but totally unable to cut myself even the slightest slack. I’ve always been terrible at taking my own advice.

***

What I’m reading:
“Party of Two” by Jasmine Guillory. Honestly, it’s like a cool drink of water on a 100 degree day. I don’t read a lot of this genre – and what to call it? Romance? I mean, I guess, because we’re sure as shit over my dead body not calling it ~chick lit~. But it’s pretty substantive romance, and it’s exactly what I needed.

What I’m watching:
Very little, because I’m at my parents’, and I just don’t tend to watch much TV or movies there because I prefer the comfort of my own streaming service profiles + a good Chromecast. But V and I have watched the first 4 episodes of Indian Matchmaking, and lord…I don’t know if I hate Aparna or want to be her best friend. Vyasar is adorable and deserves the best partner that horoscopes and numerology and Sima aunty can find. Nadia as well. I am kind of loving seeing Indian culture get the reality TV treatment. But it exposes (and doesn’t comment on one way or the other) several of the uglier elements, like the hardcore colorism, insistence on brides being “flexible” (by which they basically mean submissive), and the insularity of certain communities/castes.

What I’m listening to:
Well, I have heard the first few songs on Taylor Swift’s new album “folklore” and I…don’t hate it, but people are talking about it like it’s Album of the Year or something which is just hilarious in a 2020 where Fetch The Bolt Cutters also exists.

What I am seething about:
As I said…the goddamn movers are late. Like really late. We still don’t know how late. And I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I AM A CANCER, and Cancers need their own homes and comfortable spaces! I am nothing if not a slave to hygge.

Curveball, Part II

It was just a little over two years ago that I told y’all we were hitting the road for Seattle, and now the time has come to tell you that we’re officially coming back to Madison.

img_20200614_201424
Just like the first couple of months of my pregnancy, I haven’t blogged in awhile because I couldn’t not talk about this major but tentative thing in my life – so now that everything’s official with this move I have to spill.
If you recall, this was always the plan – spend 2 or 3 years in Seattle while V gets the experience of working for one of the biggest companies in the world, and then return. It turns out that V will still be an Amazon employee after we move, albeit under a different team, but Ashwin’s birth definitely is the reason we’re leaving after 2 years instead of 3. Had I not gotten pregnant, I think we probably would’ve stayed another year at least, because we both really love this city. Madison is home, but I firmly believe that Seattle is the most naturally beautiful city in the country. It’s not like we are the outdoorsiest of people – um, I believe I’ve called myself quite the opposite – but the mountains and the water and all the hills are so spectacular that it’s enough to make a nature lover out of anyone. I hope we’ll be back for vacations, to show Ash where he came from.
It’s just too hard – emotionally and practically – to raise a child on the other side of the country from virtually everyone you know and love. Some people do it and my hat is off to them – some people don’t have much choice. I just really need my people, now more than ever, and I’m not ashamed! Our actual moving date is still TBD, but it will be in the next month or so.
I don’t know what I’ll be doing when we get back. As in, I truly have no idea. I don’t think I am cut out to be a full-time stay at home mom indefinitely. And I want to keep writing. Those are the two things I know for sure…so I’m just trying to have faith that the right gig will come along sooner or later.

I don’t have any regrets about coming here. We both got what we wanted out of it and more. Granted I am a little sick of moving (and I’m sure my family is sick of helping me move) but this was the right thing for us: coming when we did, and leaving when we are.
***
I don’t know if I can ever properly thank my mom and my MIL for everything they’ve done for us since Ash was born. Getting up at ungodly hours, hand-washing bottles over and over, cooking amazing meals…it literally overwhelms me to think about the love they have shown us. No two people on this planet better embody the fact that love is a verb.
Most of the time I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing with Ashwin. In the beginning, everything was 100% a guessing game, trial and error, throw every idea at the wall and see what sticks. Now that we have a few months of living with him under our belts, I’d say now the guessing game is the way we make maybe 65% of parenting decisions. We observe him like goddamn research scientists, tracking his every poop and bottle, trying to make sense of it and discover patterns and ways to predict future behavior – but it’s really useless because he’s constantly changing. One week he might be eating 3 ounces every 3 hours, the next week it might be 4 ounces every 2 hours. On Monday he could sleep from 10pm-5am and on Tuesday go to sleep at 9, wake up at 12, again at 3, again at 6, again at 9. And it all falls within the vast, vast spectrum of “normal”. So there’s nothing to be done but just tag along for the ride; he’s unquestionably the captain of this ship.
***

Things I’m Looking Forward to Upon Moving Home:

Friends and family
Air conditioning
Culver’s
Real Italian sausage (oh yeah um…I’m not strictly speaking a vegetarian anymore) (but I still try to limit meat)
Actual winter
The farmers’ markets
Devil’s Lake

Things I Will Sorely Miss About Seattle:

Endless food delivery options
Mt. Rainier visible on sunny days
Biscuit Bitch
Tillamook ice cream
Queen Anne Avenue
Green Lake
My nail salon
The view of Lake Union and Eastlake from our apartment
The view of Lake Union and Queen Anne Hill from I-5
Wag walks
The light rail

Things I Will Not Miss About Seattle:

Absurdly high cost of living
Not being able to go for a walk around our apartment without negotiating some really seriously steep hills (undesirable in general, downright offensive with a stroller)
Weed smell (I don’t care one way or the other about weed! Legalize it!! But I do not personally partake and the smell is among my least favorite things in the whole world)
Thinking every day about the Cascadia Subduction Zone and mentally preparing for an apocalyptic quake (I’ve linked to this article before and it is very very scary and you’ve been warned)

***

What I’m reading:

Just finished “Know My Name” by Chanel Miller, the “Emily Doe” in the Brock Turner rape case of 2015. Brave is a pathetic understatement for the way she took on this gut-wrenching journey.
Next up…I don’t know? Whatever’s on my Kindle? Because all my books are packed away and the library still isn’t open.

What I’m watching:

Well we finished the LOST rewatch, and I was rather let down by the finale this time. I still think it’s beautiful, but just not quite satisfying.
Last night and tonight we watched two episodes of Sherlock with the MIL. I don’t know what it is about British television that is so darn comforting. Just watching the show makes me feel like I’m in a cozy living room with a warm blanket and my cat on my lap and a bowl of popcorn and a ginger ale and snow falling outside. Literally hygge.
AshwinTV, aka the baby monitor, aka the live feed of my son tossing and turning in his bassinet and making me constantly think he’s about to wake up and eat, when in reality he is probably just going to fall back asleep (NOT THAT I’M COMPLAINING!)

What I’m listening to:

“Sonic Boom”, the podcast about how the Seattle Supersonics were taken from our fair Emerald City to…Oklahoma City back in the halcyone days of (*checks notes*) 2008. I wasn’t super aware of the background drama when it happened, so I’m loving learning all this goss now as a (not for much longer) Seattleite. The city really got screwed.

***

For the most part I have no idea what our new life in Madison will be like, but I am excited to find out, and excited to be going…yes…home.

Vonnegut was right, man

I’m not sure if it’s a consequence of parenthood, or the quarantine, or both – but I’ve noticed that I am appreciating certain things a lot more now than I ever did. Like right now, everybody in the apartment is asleep except for me, and it’s deliciously quiet, just me and the dishwasher humming along. I know it won’t last terribly long so I am really savoring it. I don’t really have “empty” time anymore, and I used to have a lot of it, especially when I was pregnant, and *especially* when I was pregnant and not doing any Wag walks. “Do nothing but fuck around on your phone” kind of empty time, doing that endless Facebook-Instagram-Twitter loop. When I have free time now, it’s so precious that I actually take a minute or two and literally think about how pleasant the moment is and how nice the quiet is, and that’s something I never really did before. Maybe this is what they call mindfulness? I don’t love that word, but it is truly beneficial to my mental health to spend time actually noticing when I’m happy…if that makes sense…and I think I’ve gotten better at noticing it while still in the moment. It’s like that Kurt Vonnegut quote:

“And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is’.”

Example two: last night I was holding Ashwin, trying to put him to sleep, which he of course was resisting with all his little might, and V came in and enveloped both of us in a big hug as we rocked back and forth. Lullaby music was playing from the bassinet and it was just a beautiful “we’re a family” Hallmark kind of moment. He and I were our own family before we had a baby, but now that we share this monumental and awesome task of raising a little human, I feel even more like we are a team, our own unit.

I’m hardly on Twitter at all anymore and God, is it glorious. I don’t know why it took a global pandemic for me to realize that the never-ending doom-scrolling was taking a legit toll on my mind. Twitter has its uses but for now, for me, the negatives far outweigh the positives.

It’s also been pleasant to spend time thinking about our eventual return to Wisconsin. I’m sure if we were planning on staying in Seattle long-term, I could gradually form some sort of community here, but back in Madison I have not only my existing support network, but a greater capacity to find “mom friends” through the friends and connections I already have. It’s just next to impossible to do virtually (even though there are lots of online support groups, etc).

What I’m reading:

Last finished “Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts” and definitely enjoyed the reassurances and normalizing of the postpartum period not being the happiest time of life. For some people I guess it really is magnificent and blissful but for others – I’d argue perhaps the majority – it’s fucking hard and full of doubt, uncertainty, and even rage. Any and every even slightly less-than-blissful new mom should read it.

What I’m watching:

Little Fires Everywhere is phenomenal. Reese Witherspoon really plays the same character that she plays in Big Little Lies, just set in the ’90s and wearing more skirt suits. She may definitely play a certain type, but no one can say she doesn’t do it masterfully.
The Last Dance. It’s like a gift from the NBA gods, who saw us suffering in the absence of basketball and delivered a documentary on my childhood heroes. Allow me a short digression…
- As a kid (like, elementary and middle school) I loved basketball and I specifically loved the Chicago Bulls. The Milwaukee Bucks at the time weren’t anything to write home about and besides, the Bulls had Michael goddamn Jordan. I loved him. I watched every game I could on WGN and ESPN, often with my dad, who was deeply chagrined by my less ardent, but still significant fondness for Dennis Rodman. In 1997, I begged my dad to get a subscription to Sports Illustrated because they were running a promotion where you not only got a gift of this DVD along with a new subscription order, but you also got this SWEET ASS watch. I had to have them both and my wonderful daddy obliged. You guys, I still have that DVD. I don’t have the watch because the band eventually broke but you best believe I wore it to death while it lasted. So the point of this story is that I loved Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls more than any 11-year-old white girl from Wisconsin reasonably should and therefore, I am incredibly excited about The Last Dance and the first two episodes have not disappointed that 11-year-old girl who lives inside me.
Still watching a couple episodes a day of Lost with V and the MIL. It’s funny how little I remember from the other TWO TIMES I’ve watched the entire series. V has a mind like a goddamn steel trap for TV shows and movies but with me, it’s like I forget it as soon as it’s over. Except 30 Rock. I’m never not watching 30 Rock long enough to forget any of it.

What I’m listening to:

You can probably guess. OMGTHENEWFIONAAPPLEISFUCKINGAMAZING. Fetch the Bolt Cutters is a goddamn masterpiece and I’m obsessed with it. My favorite songs are the title track, Shameika, Under the Table, and Ladies. At least those are the ones that get stuck in my head the most. Bless Fiona for releasing this beautiful music while we are all cooped up and in need of joy. Granted, “joy” and “Fiona Apple” aren’t words that normally go together but if you’re as big a fan as I am, you get it.

What I’m ~~cooking~~ baking:

Oatmeal Raisinet cookies. Oats are allegedly supposed to increase breastmilk production, so I suppose we can pretend that’s why I made a double batch this week and probably will again in a few days. Hot tip: don’t use actual Raisinets. Use dark chocolate covered raisins from Trader Joe’s. WAY better.

What I’m annoyed about:

Covidiots. and the people who feed their idiocy.

I will leave you with an Isis photo, because Ashwin gets all the social media love these days, and my girl still has the cutest bleps around.

img_20200422_215052 — *please allow my adorable blep to distract from the fact that i have gnawed off all my stomach fur*

WHY CAN’T I HAVE APPLE CIDER

I mean, I know why not, but it’s total bullshit. What is fall without apple cider, I ask you? All the good shit is unpasteurized.

We are officially making the holiday pilgrimage to Wisconsin December 18-31 and I am PUMPED. Who knows to what lengths my belly will have grown by then!

In organizing our travel plans, I was reminded of a crude fact of living in a place without nearby family or close friends: you have to pay people to do shit for you, shit that your family or close friends would have done as a matter of course if you still lived among them. I don’t mean mooching! I mean the little life chores that people do for each other – in a symbiotic way – when they care about one another. Dropoffs/pickups at the airport, or when your car is in the shop. Pet-sitting. Babysitting. Bringing food when someone’s sick. Random errands. I’ve done all those things and had all of them done for me over the years. I suppose that’s called having a support system, and though we’ve made a few friends here, we do not have a support system. And that’s why, no matter how beautiful Seattle is, no matter how much money might possibly be made here, no matter how much I love Biscuit Bitch, we can’t stay here indefinitely. I need our people, and I will especially need them once Baby Nagappala makes their debut. (And also, I’m too afraid of the Cascadia Subduction Zone.) (I am warning you, the article linked is really fucking scary, you probably shouldn’t read it, I think about it every goddamn day.)

Anyway. I’ve always said the move is temporary. In other news…

What I’m reading: The Water Dancer, by Ta-Nehisi Coates, which I believe is his first foray into fiction. I’ve read everything else he’s written and found it excellent; so far the novel does not disappoint.

What I’m watching: Several months ago I watched the first two episodes of Succession and then kind of forgot about it. Now V has taken it up with me and we’re about halfway through the first season. Rich people are terrible, you guys. And as it turns out, terribly compelling.

Of course given the season, we are also watching a ton of football. My fantasy team, the Iron Jawed Angels, is currently 4-2 and playing against V’s team this week. (I am always terrible at naming things, but I happen to think I.J.A. is a pretty badass team name.)

What I’m listening to: Look, I usually think Dax Shepherd is pretty annoying, but I am enjoying his Armchair Expert podcast. He gets into every guest’s whole life story and you learn a lot of crazy things about them. I skip around and only listen to the people I’m actually interested in, of course: Charlie Day, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bill Hader, Kumail Nanjiani, Kaitlin Olson (yeah, there really should be more women). Dax has a female co-host who…almost never talks? I don’t know what that’s about. But the most recent episode is with Monica Lewinsky and that’s obviously gonna be amazing.

Baby Nagappala update: We’re on week 17. According to the Bump app, during this week the baby is the size of a pomegranate, and its feet are the size of gummy bears (!).

We are in heavy name-brainstorming mode, and I obviously will not share the contenders here, but it is true what they say: you never realize how many people you hate until you have to name a child. I’m picking out registry items too, but am so overwhelmed by the research that needs doing on car seats, cribs, high chairs, etc that I have mostly just selected cute outfits and accessories so far.

I’m dealing with a lot of lower back pain; it’s usually brought on by overdoing it on my walks, so then I am housebound for a couple days trying to recover, unable to do the one thing everyone agrees I MUST be doing (walking). It has become a bit of a cycle.

img_20191017_213341 — *Week 17, day 3. You get a nice bump close-up this time because mama’s eczema is flaring up and she is NOT fit for public viewing at this time.*

What else is going on: Isis has her yearly vet appointment this weekend, which is not a big deal, but she’s been a little odd lately. She’s thrown up a couple times, and left a gift from her bowels in the guest room while we were in Portland last weekend. And of course she’s still gnawing off all of her fur she can reach, every chance she gets. Her tummy is literally bald, it’s so sad. I’m sure she’s fine but she’s no kitten anymore so I get worried sometimes.

Been pitching some things. No recent success to share. Maybe I should write about pregnancy? Because that’s a really under-discussed topic. #sarcasmfont

20-shine-teen, let’s do this

*Big hug from me to you if you get the title reference.

What can you even say about 2018 that hasn’t already been said?

First of all, I suppose I can address a personal failing: I did not meet my Goodreads Reading Challenge goal of 70 books. I managed 57, which is definitely lower than most recent years. But…I kind of had some other shit going on? I’d like to say my count was lower because I read a bunch of really long, Serious Books, but that wouldn’t be true. I was just busy.

Busy doing what, Molly? YOU HAVEN’T EVEN HAD A FULL TIME JOB FOR OVER A YEAR NOW.

Well, that is correct. But I have nonetheless had a fulfilling year…

I visited France in February, Door County in May, India in July, and Seattle a couple times in July and August before the move.

I helped out Sabrina Madison for awhile in the spring, pitching in to organize the Black Women’s Leadership Conference and other Progress Center for Black Women initiatives. She is a brilliant dynamo and exactly what the city of Madison needs.

I was given the opportunity to begin contributing to BRAVA Magazine and have had three pieces published so far, with one hopefully coming soon. I framed the first story and my first check from them and it’s on the wall in our living room right in front of the chair I sit in to write.

When a bunch of dumbass Baraboo boys made international news for being dumbass racists, I was fucking mad, and wrote about it for Refinery29. As shitty as that whole situation was and is, the article is probably my proudest accomplishment of the year.

I took a few writing classes at Seattle’s Hugo House that definitely improved my skills and introduced me to a vibrant community of talented local wordsmiths.

I maintained another year of vegetarianism and welcomed V to the meatless tribe, though the credit for that really goes to his mother and not me.

I bought a *lot* of books, despite there being no more bookshelf space in our apartment, and despite my flirtation with minimalism that occurred post-move.

Yeah, I moved. I moved to the West Coast, to a city I’d vacationed in twice but didn’t really know that well, because my husband got the kind of job opportunity that you don’t turn down. Even though we’d bought a house just two years ago, and probably 85% of all the people we loved in the world were in Wisconsin or the greater Midwest, and we loved Madison…we took the chance, and I’m glad we did. If we hadn’t, I know we’d be wondering What If and kicking ourselves for being too chickenshit to make a change. Seattle is sometimes amazing and sometimes bleak, but honestly, so is Madison – so is pretty much everywhere.

I haven’t actually discussed this on Facebook or anything yet, but a month or so ago I started walking dogs with Wag. It began to seem kind of like a no-brainer: I was always going for walks, and swooning over dogs wherever we went, and Seattle literally has more dogs than children, and I wanted to earn a little money again without going back to a 9-5. It’s been…interesting! Largely positive. I love that I get to do it whenever I want to, and never when I don’t want to. I’ve met a lot of adorable puppers and some real characters among them – an elderly blind and deaf terrier named Oliver who refused to let me put on his sweater when it was pouring rain; a sorta sharpei/pug mix named Wally who puked three times and had diarrhea once on our first walk; a nervous little Maltese boy named Henry who was deathly afraid of the black tiles in his building’s lobby and required being carried over them. And I’ve found a few favorites that I try to walk whenever they show up on the app.

you-wanna-go-for-a-walk-memes-every-dogs-favorite-6947834

As it’s been over a year now since losing my job, I have begun to get slightly more comfortable with the idea that I do not have to have a 9-5 full time job to be a Worthwhile and/or Normal Person. There are lots of ways to live life. I’m not saying I’ll never have one again – I really hope I do, if only for my retirement’s sake, Jesus – but I’m working through all my ~feelings~ surrounding being pretty much the only non-parent I know that doesn’t have full time employment.

Ah yes, the non-parent thing. Infertility has remained an unwelcome presence in our lives. My body thus far stubbornly refuses to get pregnant naturally or…technologically. I don’t remember how many cycles of IUI we did in 2018, but we are taking a different path in 2019. As much as I wanted to avoid it, our best option at this point appears to be in vitro fertilization, which we will probably begin in the spring. More on that to come later, surely.

Let’s talk about 2019. I have goals.

Take a solo trip, or trips. I sort of have one planned – AWP in Portland in March – but V is joining me there after the conference is over so I’m not sure it totally counts. Regardless, I’m going to do that and I’d like to plan another.
Begin and maintain a yoga practice. Maybe just once a week, but regularly.
Buy less stuff.
Eat less dairy and less sugar. Notice I said “eat less” not “eliminate”…I’m just not ready to do that and I don’t want to set myself up for failure. But I don’t think my body appreciates my very very frequent consumption of those two things, and it has been letting me know via new bouts of cystic acne and digestive pain! I don’t know how I’m going to measure this, exactly. I already track my meals and stuff with the Fitbit app, but it’s not really set up for anything but a basic food diary. Suggestions welcomed.
Pitch at least one piece every month.
Go somewhere warm and sunny in the spring when Seattle Bleakness reaches its grayest apex.

A lot of people are annoyingly too cool for the ritual of setting goals at the beginning of a calendar year – as if it is somehow news to those of us who participate that January 1st is entirely arbitrary and calendars are arbitrary and time is meaningless. It’s as good a time as any to set new goals. I enjoy it, and I like seeing other people do it too.

Pumpkin Bars of the Gods

It’s funny how quickly you adapt to the norms of a new place. After less than 3 months in Seattle, if I forget my reusable bags when going to the grocery store, I feel an inordinate degree of shame and conspicuous “other”-ness. The smell of weed on the street is so common as to be unremarkable. Dogs have just as much a right to be basically anywhere as I do. Tipping is as expected at a coffee shop or counter service café/diner/food truck as it is at a sit-down restaurant. Everything is expensive, it just is, but I barely notice anymore.

These are weak complaints and certainly nothing that keeps me up at night. Something is, though – I haven’t been sleeping very well lately and can’t quite pinpoint why.

My favorite thing about being here so far is the writing I’m doing. Which makes it sound like I’m being incredibly productive – I am not, and I’m just as full of false starts and languishing Word docs as ever – but I’m learning a lot through the classes I’m taking and can’t wait to see what else Hugo House has to offer. Hugo House is kind of like the Art+Lit Lab in Madison, but exclusively focused on writing, and with a much bigger budget.

We’re deep into fall now and so last night I made pumpkin bars. I have lamented in the past that they are too good to relegate to a seasonal-only existence, but now I think it’s probably for the best. Here is the recipe, if you are feeling so inclined.

Pumpkin Bars of the Gods (adapted from The Breadman’s Wife)

pumpkin bars

Ingredients

2 cups flour
2 tsp baking powder
2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg (if you have it – not crucial)
1 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
4 eggs
1 2/3 cups sugar
1 cup oil (see notes below)
1 can (15 oz) pumpkin puree
Frosting:
- 8 oz cream cheese, softened
- 1/3 cup butter, softened
- 4 cups powdered sugar
- 2 tsp vanilla extract
- 1 tbsp milk

Directions

Combine the dry ingredients (flour, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt, baking soda) into one bowl and set aside. In a separate bowl, whisk together eggs, sugar, oil, and pumpkin until light and fluffy. Gradually add the dry to the wet, mixing well.

Grease a 13×9 pan. Spread batter evenly and bake at 350 degrees for 25-30 minutes (or use the toothpick trick). Let cool completely.

While it’s baking, you can make the frosting, which we all know is the real reason we are here. Mix together the butter and cream cheese (your Kitchen-Aid works best rather than by hand), then add powdered sugar, vanilla, and milk. Mix it all on high until smooth and creamy and delectable. Frost the bars with a knife and, if you’re feeling fancy, sprinkle some pumpkin pie seasoning on top when you’re done.

Notes

The oil. Pouring a big ol’ cup of vegetable/canola oil into a recipe is not the most appetizing thing and pretty obviously not great for you. That said, this is a dessert, not a salad, so if you want to use oil then you do you, my friend. I substituted Greek yogurt (1:1) (yay protein!) and the end result was about 99% the same, with the texture of the edges feeling somewhat tougher for some probably chemical reason I don’t understand. I have also subbed applesauce with similar results, so the choice really is yours.
This makes a LOT of frosting. Haters may say even too much frosting. I don’t happen to think that there is such a thing, personally, but you’ve been warned.

i do not love amy schumer but there is no more accurate gif

What I’m Reading:

I took a one-day seminar on “writing your obsessions” at Hugo House with the author Steve Almond, and really enjoyed it/him, so afterward I picked up his book on the 2016 election, Bad Stories. I couldn’t recommend it more highly. Often, reading and thinking about that period of time now makes me incredibly depressed, but Almond synthesizes the myriad reasons why it happened the way it did so plainly and cleverly that I was more fascinated than sad.

What I’m Watching:

Last night we finished season 3 of Daredevil on Netflix; V and I agreed it’s better than season 2. I was not super invested in Karen’s backstory, but I suppose it was necessary for further character development. It’s a good binge. And it was pleasantly surprising to see a South Asian actor in a key role that was totally non-stereotypical.
There is allegedly a current season of The Amazing Race happening, but we haven’t been able to stream it, so we’re consoling ourselves with watching a random old season we hadn’t watched already. I think it’s the 17th? Nick is super verbally abusive to Vicki, and Chad and Stephanie just got engaged despite him also being a pretty big dick to her, which seems to be the running theme this time around.

What I’m Eating:

Well, clearly, the pumpkin bars. I did put literally the healthiest recipe I know in the crockpot yesterday to try and balance out the extreme quantities of sugar I was consuming. That curried vegetable and chickpea stew is kind of labor-intensive for something that goes in the slow cooker, but it’s worth it IMO, and it’ll clean out your vegetable drawer in a hurry.

What I’m Fuming About:

Flights home for Christmas and how expensive they are
Isis’s continuing “overgrooming”/”barbering” habit that we naively hoped would improve upon a move to a different climate but which remains the same. I’m wondering if CBD oil would help her. Or maybe CBD oil would help me. Or maybe…
Can’t seem to get a callback on any job applications to save my life. Or any bites on pitches that I’m sending out.

What I’m Happy About:

Fall, duhhh. It’s gorgeous here.

seattle in fall

October

I don’t have a lot of words today for the Kavanaugh confirmation. I expected it. I expected Susan Collins (R-Maine) to vote yes, despite her appearance of perhaps considering giving a shit, proving herself as feckless and disingenuous and craven as all the rest. When will people learn that “moderate” Republicans don’t exist in elected office anymore? I know plenty of them IRL, but in the halls of power, there is no such thing and there hasn’t been for some time now. I have no idea what happens next. Hopefully a gigantic #bluewave in November, but I do not want to get my hopes up for that. We thought 2016 was more or less in the bag, and it fucking wasn’t. I just need to see a message sent, I just need to see that there are SOME consequences for these people’s detestable and immoral and hypocritical actions.

This past week I’ve been happiest when distancing myself from Twitter and the news – big surprise. That is the most obvious recommendation in the world for those of us having a difficult time with the current state of affairs. Tune out when you need to. Tune back in when you’re able. People on Twitter are so often more articulate than I am about what I’m mad about, though.

Related to that…V and I watched an episode of the Netflix mini-documentary series Follow This yesterday about tech addiction. The show uses Buzzfeed reporters to go and investigate weird or troubling or ultra-random shit and my girl Scaachi Koul (oh yeah, we’re besties) is on some of them. Anyway, tech addiction. They profiled a center for tech addiction rehab that’s somewhere near Seattle, interestingly enough, and talked to (all) guys about how their 14-hour gaming days or constant smartphone usage messed up their lives in all kinds of ways – bad sleep, poor nutrition, suffering interpersonal relationships, plummeting self-esteem, etc. The rehab center isolates them from technology for I don’t remember exactly how long, but I want to say like 2 months before slowly reintroducing it back into their lives. It was fascinating and V and I had a good discussion about it afterwards, both of us agreeing (not for the first time) that we are somewhat addicted to our phones and at a very very bare minimum should stop looking at them first thing in the morning and then lying in bed for an hour scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. Hoping to break that shitty habit.

I miss my friends. I miss having people with whom I could make plans almost every weekend, even if those plans were just a movie night or a football game. I need to meet more people in Seattle, but it’s hard out here (and by here I mean everywhere) for an introvert. We were just so comfortable in Madison that I wonder if we were crazy to blow it all up and come here – but I don’t regret it, I think it was the right decision. Sometimes you don’t know you’re in a rut until you’re jarred out of it. Sometimes it’s good to surprise people who might’ve thought you were too scared to ever leave, especially if one of those people is yourself.

Snapchat and FaceTime have been my lifesavers. Being able to see and talk to my parents and my friends is huuuuge, I cannot overstate how much it’s helped.

One of my Hugo House classes has started, and there’s another single-day seminar that I’m going to on Monday that’s on the topic of writing about your obsessions. Its description said “leave your inhibitions at the door,” LOLOLOL. Me? Inhibited? In groups of strangers whom I want to impress? The devil you say. I’ll try to wing it. What am I obsessed with? Um…Korean skincare. Cats. Books. Feminism. My own baked goods. Those have kind of all…been done. I might need a more unique obsession. Ya girl is #basic.

giphy

What I’m Reading:

I just finished the sequel to “To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before,” the book made into the overwhelmingly adorable Netflix movie. YOU GUYS IT WAS SO SO GOOD! If you liked the first book, you’ll like the second (“P.S. I Still Love You”) just as much. I’m sure it will eventually be made into a movie as well but I really need that to happen like RIGHT NOW and not 2-3 years from now. At a minimum I need to know who they’re going to cast as John Ambrose McClaren. But it will definitely be a young child I’ve never heard of because I’m 32 and had heard of *no one* in the first movie except, obviously, Aiden from Sex & The City.
I have so many other books checked out from the library but the one most immediately due is “Where The Line Bleeds“, Jesmyn Ward’s first book, and considering how much I loved “Sing, Unburied, Sing” and…literally everything else she’s written, I have a good feeling about this one.
I had pre-ordered Rebecca Traister’s “Good and Mad“, but honestly, it’s like TOO on the nose right now. I know my anger can and will be useful in the fights to come – which is basically the premise, along with how that’s gone for women historically – but right now I’m so angry that I don’t want to even think about my anger.

What I’m Watching:

More of the “Follow This” mini-docs. They’re 15-20 minutes each, which is a much easier sell to V than most regular-length documentaries I want to watch 🙂 There’s one about the opioid epidemic that focuses a lot on Vancouver’s “safe injection sites” (that Seattle is also considering) and I keep telling my dad to watch it because he is an addiction specialist and I want to know what he thinks but I don’t think he has yet. There’s less-heavy ones too, about ASMR and Amish romance novels (those are two distinct episodes, if that wasn’t clear). Buzzfeed gets a semi-deserved bad rap a lot of the time, but honestly, they also do some really interesting and solid journalism.
Looking forward to seeing The Hate U Give on Friday, I know it’s going to be amazing.

What I’m Eating:

My chocolate chip cookies, currently. I can’t help it that they are my masterpiece. Though I am also thinking about making either snickerdoodles or oatmeal Raisinets tomorrow.

What’s Annoying Me:

People’s Instagram stories that are just footage from the concert they are attending. The sound quality is always awful, they’re usually not in the greatest visual position, and it always startles the shit out of me when I’m not expecting the next story I’m watching to be LOUD INTENSE MUSIC AND/OR SCREAMING. I love you guys but please just enjoy the show and tell me about it later if you must.
We went to the International District today (aka Chinatown) and the veggie egg rolls we got at the Chinese restaurant were very clearly microwaved as they were cold in the middle. #firstworldwhitepeopleproblems
The Snapchat “discover” feed or whatever the fuck it’s really called. First and foremost on it is always the latest, most explicit Kardashian or Jenner selfie, and the rest of it is similar trash along with tacky clickbait and lingerie ads.
I think this is the longest post I’ve made and it’s about very little of importance, so that’s kind of annoying in and of itself. But let’s not end on that note…

What I’m Happy About:

I’ve found a competent lady to do my brows, an easy-to-book, not wildly overpriced nail salon that offers #roséallday, an adorable gift shop that has the coolest birthday cards (SO LONG, SHITTY DRUGSTORE/TARGET SELECTION), a “natural” beauty store/pharmacy, a bookstore, our favorite pizza place, a cupcake shop that has RED VELVET ICE CREAM by the PINT, a bar that does trivia nights, a Trader Joe’s, and more – all within 3 blocks of each other on Queen Anne Avenue, which is about a half mile from our apartment. Can you even believe that? This is, without any doubt, the best neighborhood I’ve ever lived in.
I really hardly have to go to Target anymore and it’s strangely liberating – I thought I would miss it, but I don’t!
My assignment for last week’s class at Hugo House got nice feedback.
We had a very sweet video chat with V’s mom tonight that was much-needed.
It is, at last, fall.

Image result for fall autumn memes

Sweet Potato & Spinach Pasta

I’ll write a *real* blog soon, but I did want to share this recipe with y’all because it turned out so deliciously.

Moving puts a real cramp in anyone’s diet, I think. Before you move, you’re trying to eat up everything you have, so you end up with a bunch of weird meals. Once you get to your new place, you’re starting your fridge and pantry mostly from scratch. So you go grocery shopping, get everything you think you need, come home to cook and then find that you don’t have any olive oil because why would you have thought to buy it because you always have it at ho – oh wait. To that end, we’ve had several delivery nights and nights of cereal for supper. Honestly, V would be happy having cereal for supper 4 nights out of the week if I didn’t strenuously object.

I basically halved this recipe to suit our needs, but I almost wish I hadn’t so we could’ve had leftovers. The pot was definitely scraped clean last night. AND, this is a one-pot dish!

Sweet Potato & Spinach Pasta (adapted from Build Your Bite)

Ingredients

1 box pasta (I used medium shells which absorbed the sauce really nicely)
dash of EVOO
1/2 a white onion, diced
4 cloves of garlic, minced
1 large sweet potato, peeled and diced (fairly small)
5 cups vegetable broth
S&P to taste
pinch of sage
pinch of thyme
2 1/2 cups fresh spinach
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream
1 1/4 cup grated Parmesan

Instructions

Add the EVOO to a good-sized stockpot on medium heat. Drop in the diced onions, garlic, and sweet potato. Let that cook for 8-10 minutes until the sweet potato starts to get soft.
Pour in the vegetable broth, pasta, and herbs and bring the pot to a boil. Mix well and cook for 10 minutes or until the pasta is al dente.
Turning the heat to low, add the cream, Parmesan, and S&P; stir well.
After the sauce has thickened, throw in the spinach and stir until it wilts.

Notes

If you are halving the recipe, you may need more than 2 1/2 cups of vegetable broth in order to get all the pasta to cook. Just put in enough so that everything is covered by broth.
I probably didn’t *exactly* halve the cream and the Parm. *shrug* So much the better. I may be entirely kidding myself to think that this recipe is healthy, considering all the aforementioned fat. But you can certainly adjust those amounts as you see fit.
I definitely did not have sage or thyme on hand when I made this. I skipped it. It turned out fantastic anyway.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Photo by Buenosia Carol on Pexels.com

Photo by Ela Haney on Pexels.com

To All The Crazy Rich Asians I’ve Set Up (or, how to cope with tough transitions via the movies)

We watched Set It Up tonight. I’m absolutely loving this romcom revival thing happening. Crazy Rich Asians, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, now Set It Up – like the industry finally got the message that 1) romcoms can be amazing if you don’t treat women like objects/audiences like they’re stupid; 2) romcoms (like basically all movies) are way better when they’re diverse; 3) THE WORLD IS ON FIRE 24/7 AND WE NEED SOME GODDAMN PEACE AND HAPPINESS AND JOY IN OUR LIVES and if that has to come to us via Netflix and/or the nearest AMC/Regal theater, so fucking be it.

I’m 100% serious when I say to you that these three movies have significantly improved my quality of life over the last month. Because life has been a bit of a chaotic mess. We moved across the country. We haven’t been able to sell our house. I still don’t have a “real” “job”. Our apartment, though very nice, has far more boxes than any sub-900 square foot space should, and we keep ordering shit online so they KEEP MULTIPLYING. (Necessary shit! I swear! A toaster, a bathtub stopper, cat food…) So when I can sit down after a long day of unpacking and purging crap we should’ve gotten rid of before we moved, and watch two dorks fall in love despite their stupid selves, while eating ice cream or pizza or Thai or $10 popcorn with my husband, you better believe I’m gonna do it. I need to do it.

Of the three, I’d say To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before is my favorite, so if you want to pick just one to watch (though you should really watch all three), go with Laura Jean.

In other news. The weather has turned from hot and sunny to cool and cloudy and I couldn’t be happier. Walking three blocks vertically (stairs upon stairs upon stairs) is a lot less grotesque when it’s 70 and not 88. And it’s nice to do phone calls when I’m on my way home doing the descent. If you want a phone date, hit me up to get on the walk-and-talk schedule.

What I’m reading:

Roxane Gay’s Ayiti, which was her first book and the only one in her canon I haven’t yet devoured. It’s short stories, like Difficult Women, and although that is not my favorite genre of writing it is still obviously really really good.

What I’m watching:

Well we already covered that in part, but I’ve also started binging Brooklyn 99. I had seen a few episodes awhile back but didn’t get into it, and I’m now correcting that error. Boyle is my favorite. Literally everything he says makes me laugh. It’s another pure joy I’m glad to have in my life right now.

What I’m fuming about:

How we’ll never have meaningful gun control in this country, just more hashtags and thoughts and prayers
Climate change in general has been on my mind lately, as Madison floods and Seattle has Mumbai-esque air quality and something about an ice shelf melting in Antarctica
Lots more but I don’t feel like wallowing in the muck today.