Last week was National Infertility Awareness Week. This meant lots of articles in my social media feeds about the trials and tribulations of trying and failing to make a baby, a process with which I am all too familiar. It was bizarre timing; this month, we attempted IUI for the third time, and today learned it failed.
So last week I read those articles and hoped and hoped that the third time was going to be the charm. Every article I read ended with a happy result of some kind; eventual, really hard-won success in biological procreation (most commonly) or perhaps coming to terms with that just not being possible and choosing to adopt. I felt (and am still feeling) a lot of ugly feelings, stuff I’m not proud of. There were several articles or comments from women experiencing secondary infertility, that is, women who have successfully gotten pregnant and given birth once before but who are now having trouble conceiving a second time. I know it is a pain just as valid as mine, but I have trouble sympathizing. You have had A BABY. You wanted more, maybe one or two or three or God knows how many more, but it hasn’t worked out that way and I know, I know that must be a difficult and agonizing journey all its own. I just…I’m sorry. Do you know how many people would be thrilled to have what you already have?
Like I said, it’s ugly and I’m not proud.
I don’t know what’s next. Trying not to dwell, I guess. I made the fudgiest, chocolatiest brownies in the whole world today and that was truly a comforting balm. I don’t know what tomorrow’s coping mechanism will be.
I do like that idea.
People used to tell us a lot, back when we looked like this, that we would make such cute babies! Because you know how ape-shit people go over mixed babies. It’s a whole (problematic AF) thing. That is all really neither here nor there, I guess. Just something that makes me sad, something my silly vanity has always enjoyed thinking about.
Our doctor quoted me a slick $20,000 for one cycle of IVF. (The difference between IUI and IVF, explained.) Look. I ASK YOU. Who among us can afford that? It would have been one hell of a reach if both of us were fully employed. In our current situation it’s just a joke. I know people empty their 401(k)s and go into all kinds of debt to make this happen – and sometimes still come up empty. Imagine. Imagine throwing tens of thousands of dollars down the drain for meds that fuck you up, daily injections, tons of invasive doctor visits…to be right back where you started. A failed IUI is painful and sad, but a failed IVF? Jesus, I don’t know what I’d do.
If you are a friend on social media who is pregnant, or who has recently given birth, or just posts about your kids a lot regardless of their age – I have probably temporarily unfollowed you. Not because I don’t love you and your progeny. I really genuinely do and normally their cute pudgy messy faces are a welcome, happy sight to see in the ol’ gloom and doom of my news feeds. But not right now. Just not right now. I hope you understand.
Sconnie Molly 
I am so sorry that your IUI failed. We did IVF in 2016, but the baby born from it died at 3 days old. We tried transferring two more embryos. We found on April 30th that our last embryo didn’t work out. It’s a terrible journey. It’s horrible when people say, ‘well just adopt!’ As if the foster care system is built with that in mind; as if adopting a newborn in this country isn’t at least twice as expensive as IVF.
I wanted to tell you, that I know saving money can take forever. A year or two or more depending on your income, but you can and will find a way if you want it. Also, at the University of VT Medical Center in VT, they will do an entire cycle for LESS than $7k. That INCLUDES meds. Meds alone are usually 3-4k and monitoring, transferring and freezing usually drive the costs up over $20k, as you well know. That price is only available to people who don’t have or choose not to use their insurance. I just wanted to let you know. We thought we were done, but we will be returning this summer to start the process over again and pray the results are different.
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