Sconnie Molly

SMQ

I should really rename this thing Sconnie Molly Quarterly – that’s what it’s become. And I guess I’m fine with that.

Look at me, writing in my laptop on my bed like a lil Midwestern Carrie Bradshaw. If Carrie Bradshaw were a working mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, colleague, etc etc etc. Isn’t it odd that we never hear a WORD about Carrie’s family of origin? Maybe that’s explored in the separate Carrie series, but I don’t care enough to find out.

Things have been…I don’t know. Kind of hard. In June we unexpectedly lost one of my uncles, who was such a lovely man. Shortly after that, Isis was diagnosed with some elaborately named form of cancer, and we said goodbye to her. 12 years she was with us; it’s hard to remember adult life without her, I guess because, now that I do the math, there really wasn’t much of an adult life without her. I remember writing a list for V of all the reasons we should get a cat. He’d never had one before and claimed to be skeptical, but of course he ended up loving her just as much as I did. We moved with her from the west side apartment, to the downtown apartment, to the house, to Seattle, to the east Madison apartment, and to our current house. If she was sick of our shit I can’t say I blame her. But I hope wherever she is, she’s gleefully destroying some furniture and then basking in the sun like the goddess she is.

We spent a few days of June in St. Louis, which I wasn’t *overly* impressed with as a city, but hey, it’s a metropolitan area within driving distance that isn’t Chicago. Their City Museum is phenomenal, man. If you have kids, it’s an absolute must. Even our cautious boy was running wild through tunnels, under ramps, and into caves – such a sight to see.

*it was he who wanted to hold hands! i swear!*

So many other things happened in June but recounting it all is too exhausting.

What I’m watching

Just finished The Bear. I’m so envious of people who know how to be creative with food. I will forever be a very basic home cook but it’s a lot of fun to watch talented people (okay, actors) do their thing and excel at it.

Also, as you may know if you are also a parent to a young child, there are NEW EPISODES of BLUEY out TODAY.

What I’m reading

Nothing terribly compelling at the moment, unfortunately, but the last book I finished was Beach Read by Emily Henry. It was everything I need a ~romance novel~ to be: self-aware, funny, not trying too hard, the anti-Harlequin. Not that there’s anything wrong with Harlequin! I won’t yuck your yum. But a book about two novelists with writer’s block living in side-by-side beach condos in the U.P. and SURPRISE! falling in love is pretty much begging to be adored by me.

It’s looking like I will probably actually meet my reading goal this year (18 of 25 books so far), for the first time since Ashwin was born, so I will take that as a neatly measurable sign that life has gotten somewhat more manageable since the seemingly endless infant days.

What I’m listening to

Unfortunately, a lot of right-wing radio – for work, obvs. I always listen to the particular show I’m assigned to the following day so I can speed up the replay and thus not spend any more of my precious time on anti-LGBTQ/anti-woman/anti-democracy/anti-progress ranting than necessary.

How I’m adulting

Attempting to get my financial shit together. Late last year I finally opened a high-yield savings account, and putting money away there has become one of my favorite hobbies. Every month on the 23rd getting the interest deposited is like a delightful little present. Oh and I finally put some more money in my Roth IRA. Look at me being all middle-aged and responsible! Fuck, time does come for us all.

What I’m Buying

I bought a very small cross-stitch pattern that says FUCK FEAR. Have I ever cross-stitched? No. I watched a YouTube video and thought I could maybe do it. That very much remains to be seen. Is it all a little, or maybe a lot, cliche? A little…cheugy? Oh good Lord, yes. At least it’s not, like…this.

Lots to chew on

Spring has sprung, I guess. A truly Wisconsin spring, which means a week of 80+ degrees and sunshine followed by temps plummeting to the 30s and the threat of snow in the air once more.

I ordered myself an Adirondack chair and of course it will be arriving the day of the aforementioned snow threat. We had those cheapie plastic Adirondack chairs from Target on the porch last summer, but they kept blowing away in the winds and landing like three houses down the street. I love me an Adirondack chair. Probably because I associate them with warm memories at Cedar Campus. Might need to paint mine a nice light blue…oh who am I kidding. That’s something I would talk about and research on Pinterest and then never ever do.

Two little birdies have made a nest on the spring wreath I put on our front door. The mama has laid her eggs already.

Work is calmer now than it has been at any point since I started last September. After the fall 2022 election, we pretty much segued right into research for the 2023 spring election, and that got a bit intense at times. If I didn’t have such wonderful coworkers, it could’ve gotten insanely stressful, but this is probably the ~healthiest~ work culture I’ve ever been a part of. Mental and physical health is prioritized in actions as well as words. People check up on each other and cover for each other. It’s just really really nice.

***

I guess at some point I just gave up on writing smooth segues and resorted to these silly stars to transition my rambling, and now it feels natural to structure my posts this way.

***

November through February was basically one long, wretched, inescapable household cold, for which I blame daycare entirely, and it’s been such a relief to be more consistently healthy these last few weeks. If you’ve known me for a long time, you are probably all too aware of the (foolish, unearned) pride I take in my immune system – or at least, I used to, before I had a child who attended daycare with a dozen other filthy germ-mongers three days a week. Now I get whatever Ashwin gets, just a couple days delayed usually, right after V picks it up. Terribly disappointing to realize my immune system is actually just regular, not special at all, susceptible to all the same bullshit as everyone else. I just had to have a kid so that my whole body could rearrange itself inside and out.

***

I still don’t quite know the degree to which I want to write publicly about Ashwin. It’s a little easier, or cleaner, when I’m more generally waxing poetic on my motherhood thoughts. Or when I’m making wry jokes about sleep training or breast pumping or some universal early-motherhood difficulty. But now my kid is three years old, has his own personality, his own struggles and victories and schedules and opinions. It feels different. Sometimes I’d like to get down in the actual details more, of what Ashwin is currently doing or going through and by extension what I am doing and going through. (Because being his mom takes up a really large portion of my brain space!) But I don’t know if that’s fair to him. This is one of the toughest parts about writing in general for me. My experiences are my experiences and I own them. But invariably those experiences involve other people, who invariably have feelings about the experiences we shared. It’s hard to know what’s mine to do with what I please and what doesn’t entirely belong to me. You know?

I do know this: my favorite writers are the ones who get all up in those details and talk about all of it, even the unseemly things or the embarrassing things, whether the topic is marriage or kids or careers or bodies or mental health or whatever. The more intimate the better. Do those writers get into trouble with their friends and family after publication? I wonder.

***

What I’m reading

A couple things! Primarily “Vagina Obscura“, a highly scientific look at half the world’s nether regions and how deeply they’ve been misunderstood/ignored/stigmatized for most of recorded history. It gets a little in the weeds sometimes for me, as a not very science-y person, but I’m sticking with it.

Also started “Dreaming in Spanish” by local Madison author/realtor/powerhouse Sara Alvarado!

What I’m watching

WELL. Let me tell you. Basically half of my coworkers are obsessed with Love is Blind, so now I am watching the current season of Love is Blind, because FOMO. Ya girl hates to feel left out! I’ve still got a few episodes to finish before the live reunion this weekend so the pressure is on. If Brett and Tiffany don’t make it, I might cry. I have zero faith in any of these other weirdos. But it’s been super fun catching beautiful glimpses of Seattle!

We also started watching Beef, which, wow. Lots going on in there, so much to chew on. Income inequality. Strained marriages. Class warfare. First generation problems. Sibling dynamics. Korean evangelical culture. Inter-Asian group dynamics. White-Asian relationships. Female friendships, male friendships. Ambition/entrepreneurial/girlboss/grind culture. Mental illness, probably, because these protagonists…

Obviously also watching and loving Succession. Barry starts again soon! It’s a rich time for prestige TV. And, I guess, trashy dating reality TV.

What I’m looking forward to

I’m taking my semi-annual solo weekend soon, this time to Chicago. My plans are basically to eat and shop and sleep.

My MIL will be coming to stay with us in May and I am always excited for her to come. A lot of people would say that sentence sarcastically, but not I! She’s the best.

How I’m adulting

New segment! I just had to share that last weekend, V and I bought a new dining room chandelier at Home Depot, and today an electrician came over and installed it, and the fact that that chandelier box didn’t just sit in a corner of my house for months on end, or in my goddamn car trunk, is something I am quite proud of.

(Chandelier is such an absurd word. What we actually bought is a very unfancy but functional and attractive light fixture. It’s metal. In my mind, chandeliers are delicate and crystal and shiny and belong in obscene palaces with Daddy Warbucks.)

(Okay but do you remember Annie, like 1982 Aileen Quinn Annie? That was my favorite movie as a kid. I had a brilliant idea last year that I would write about its 40th anniversary, to see if it holds up. Surprise! It does not! It’s crazy racist! Daddy Warbucks’s bodyguard is a turbaned Indian dude named Punjab, played by a Black man, who rarely speaks but regularly performs acts of mysterious eastern magic! It’s so much worse than I am poorly describing it! I’m pretty sure someone beat me to the “guess what, Annie doesn’t hold up super well” article while I was still in shock. Another dream dashed.)

Not too late for a 2022 recap, is it?

Hey, friend.

I missed the 2022 Nagappala Book Awards (NBAs) and I don’t have the energy to do it now. You can haunt my Goodreads if you’re really starving for my book opinions.

We can do a quick 2022 rundown though, I guess.

I didn’t travel as much in 2022 as I would’ve liked, for all the obvious reasons: it’s challenging to travel with a 2 year old, everything is wildly expensive, work schedules, and did I mention it’s really fucking challenging to travel with a 2 year old. We did have about 5 days in Boston in the spring for a family wedding, which was fantastic because V also has family in that area, so we both got to see cousins we love. But parenting in a different environment is not actually a vacation.

To scratch that itch as best we could, we continued our tradition of taking “solo weekends” – where one of us goes away for a few days, decompressing and doing whatever the fuck we want, and the other gets 1-on-1 time with Ashwin. If it’s feasible for you, as a parent, I cannot recommend doing this any more strongly. I have tended to stick pretty close to home for my trips, to maximize the relaxation and fun and minimize the tedious travel time, but I might branch out in 2023.

In 2023, V and I will have been married for 10 years and together for 15 (!). For a long time I’ve said I wanted to do a big trip for this anniversary and so we are, in early March, to a very warm and lovely place we’ve never been. Of course, this is only possible because my parents so generously agreed to take Ashwin off our hands for a week. I am honestly not trying to humble brag – I’m just endlessly, endlessly grateful for my mom and dad. I do not take them for granted.

I guess if 2022 had a theme, for me it might well be gratitude. All sorts of not-great things happened this year; I cried, argued, maybe slammed a door or two, rescheduled therapy appointments way too many times, definitely made far too many trips to Starbucks for strawberry acai lemonades, despite buying the ingredients to attempt making it at home (whoops, never did). Loved ones got covid (though thankfully all mostly recovered), the ex-president still isn’t in jail, and Ron Johnson still represents me in the Senate. But nothing truly calamitous happened and for that I can’t be anything but thankful.

I didn’t see my friends often enough, but I’d like to think we made it count when we did.

I’ve loved my new job. The only thing I don’t like about it is it leaves me pretty much no time to write and/or pitch – which I knew would happen, and it’s fine, but I do miss it. I suppose I still have this good ol’ blog that 5 people read, maybe that’s enough of an outlet.

I did some personal healing that was a long, long time coming and I’m now a lot more at peace because of it. Shan’t get into the gory details, but maybe 2023 is the year you confront your trauma? It’s better on the other side, I promise.

Even with the daily grind and stressors that life brings – parenting, household management, marriage, friendships, family, self-care, career – I’ve found myself feeling…pretty good. So much so that I’ve been considering a sloooow taper off of my meds. Longtime friends/readers may remember that I tried this in 2015, as I started trying to conceive, and it did.not.go.well to put it mildly. As scary as that prospect is, I want to try again, because minus that ~6 month experiment, I’ve been on some type of antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication my entire adult life. I think I’m more stable than I was in 2015 and I really want to see if I can do it. If I can’t cope, I can’t cope, and I’ll go back on them without an ounce of shame. I’m mostly including this here because if I do end up tapering, I may track it somewhat here on the blog. Would that actually be interesting to anyone? Unlikely! But that’s not why I write here, really, though I hope it’s at least mildly entertaining for whomever stops by.

What I’m Reading

I just started Screaming on the Inside, one in a new-ish genre of “hey, modern motherhood is kind of a fucking shitshow?” A lot of women are writing about that right now and I’d certainly like to be one of them.

What I’m Watching

After a very, very long period of refusal, I’ve started watching the most recent season of Stranger Things with V. I don’t exactly remember why I tried to boycott; I think at the time it premiered, a school shooting had just happened and I couldn’t deal with violence of any kind. Still don’t love it, but am looking away when I need to. I’d rather be watching Bridgerton, tbh. (Kind of joking kind of not?)

What I’m Looking Forward To

Uh, most definitely our vacation in March. Only 51 days to go!! (I have a countdown app, of course)

What I’m Fuming About

This fucking idiot.

~Transitions~

My last post mentioned the importance of perseverance, and how I was trying to persevere in my job hunt despite the rejections and/or other obstacles I was facing. And surprise! Persevering worked. I got a job. And not just any job…a *good* job that feels like a genuinely *good* fit, albeit <2 weeks in.

The timing couldn’t have been better. I interviewed in late July, got an offer in early August, and was able to plan my start date for the same week that Ashwin started daycare. Literally zero weird in-between period where he was gone and I had nothing to do. The job is highly interesting and the people I’m working with have been lovely and welcoming. It feels right, it actually feels really right and I’m so thankful.

Daycare…is another beast. I mean, I do still think it’s good for him, but the transition has obviously not been smooth, nor did I expect it to be considering he’s spent his entire life in the care of either his parents or his grandparents. Daycare is a really foreign new thing, and even though it’s a fantastic facility with sweet and skilled teachers whom I trust, it’s been hard on all of us. We’re talking full-on dropoff meltdowns with his teachers having to pry him off my body. I don’t recommend starting your workday that way. BUT, when we picked him up yesterday afternoon, he WASN’T CRYING for the first time and seeing a smile on his face just…warmed me all over. I’m hoping we’re past the worst of it, but because he only goes two days a week, it’s anyone’s guess how he’ll react next week when it’s time to go again.

Kids, man. Who knew we’d be like this.

***

In other news, I continue my never-ending quest to make mom friends. I may have embarrassed myself a bit doing so a couple weeks ago. Ashwin and I were out walking the neighborhood, as we did pretty much every day, and happened upon a neighbor family hanging out on their lawn. We chatted, and it turned out that the couple had a little boy almost exactly Ashwin’s age. They sort of played alongside each other like toddlers do for awhile, and I chatted some more with the boy’s mom while her husband did yard work. She seemed about my age, maybe a little younger, and frankly those two factors – child close to Ashwin’s age, mom close-ish to my age – are all the compatibility I need to get started on trying to make a friend these days. As we talked, I think I probably came across a little desperate. I shared some things that most people probably would not share until they’d hung out with someone more than once. I was acting, let’s just say it, pretty thirsty.

The whole interaction was probably less than 30 minutes. I’m trying not to shame myself about it too much, because I don’t think anything I said was *too* terribly cringe and also because…this is kind of the best way I know how to make friends. And it works with some people, but not others. Vulnerability is not the only way to get to know people, but it has in my experience proved itself to be the fastest. But if I could do this particular interaction over again, I’d probably button myself up a little more and act like I’d spoken to another adult woman before.

***

What I’m Reading

I finished Dirtbag, Massachusetts which was okay but honestly over-hyped. I blame the Buzzfeed Industrial Complex.

What I’m Watching

Reservation Dogs. Every episode is so different, even though you’re following all the same characters in mostly the same setting. Also MasterChef: Back To Win because MasterChef is something V and I have watched together for years and years and we both really love Gordon Ramsay. Tonight, of course, brings the NFL back into our lives and we’re both in two different fantasy leagues, so that’s about to take over our Sundays.

What I’m Listening To

Until yesterday, a hell of a lot more FM radio than I’d like, because I was having major cell phone issues for a few weeks and couldn’t listen to my own music or podcasts in the car. I learned that the “oldies” station in our area now plays the ’70s, ’80s, and ’90s, which means there’s plenty of song material from *my* childhood and not *my parents’* childhood as I am used to hearing from that station. The passage of time, ah, et cetera. In actuality most of what they played was ’80s, and they were really overplaying “Walk Like An Egyptian”.

What I’m Looking Forward To

…Do I even need to say it?

So to that end I’ve been trying to “decorate the house for fall” which I put in quotes only because it’s not something I’ve ever really done before and I have no idea what I’m doing other than trying *desperately*…**DESPERATELY**…to avoid this genre of aesthetics and decor:

…with little luck so far. If you have any tips for non-Christian Girl Autumn decor, you know how to reach me.

Missing the small stakes

I ended my social media sabbatical after about a week, but I’m still actively avoiding the news and depressing media of all sorts. We saw Hannah Gadsby two nights ago and I gotta say, it wasn’t that great, but I don’t know if it’s her or me. I have trouble laughing at the “everything has gone to shit” genre of jokes, even though I sometimes make them myself. The apocalypse is nigh, hahaha. The world is a dumpster fire, hahaha. All that goes through my head is that auto-tuned Madonna refrain from “Sorry“…”I’ve heard it all before, I’ve heard it all before, I’ve heard it all before.”

*me + jen + this album in 2005-06 = thick as thieves*

Like…I 1000% understand joking to cope with hard things. It’s what I did with our ~*infertility journey~* (Jesus Christ is there another way to name the 5 years I tried unsuccessfully to get pregnant? because that phrase is the woooorst) and what I still sometimes do with depression. So I absolutely get the impulse. But if that’s all we’re doing, how is any of this supposed to get better? At some point, don’t we have to move past the jokes and get to actual concrete strategies?

How is any parent supposed to be okay? How are we supposed to drop our children off at daycare and elementary school and middle school and high school and just…leave? I’d feel that way a little bit even if there was no such thing as mass shootings. But reading the emergency protocol for “intruders” in your 2 year old’s daycare really ratchets things up, and by “things” I mean the knot in my stomach.

He’s two. He’s TWO. He’s growing in every way every day and it’s so amazing to watch. I know he needs to be among his peers, and I do think daycare will really be good for him. The thing about mass shootings is that they are terrorism – the goal, outside of killing whomever is on that shooter’s particular menu, is to terrorize. I know intellectually that the probability of some psycho shooting up my son’s daycare is truly incredibly small. But it could happen, and I know that because I’ve seen it happen, so I can’t stop visualizing it as though it will happen. The terrorists have won, in my mind anyway.

What are my options? Keep my son in daycare as planned, tolerate the massive increase in daily anxiety, and just pray for the best? Keep him home, likely stunting his social and mental growth, until…college? Uproot us all and move to another country where this shit doesn’t happen and literally no one has to worry about it, but where I’ll know no one and probably not speak the language or be able to get a job?

I don’t know how every single person in this country isn’t straight up immobilized by grief on a daily basis.

***

I got rejected from another job today. A state job, but a communications position that I genuinely thought I’d be good at. I know that the answer here is perseverance. Michael Jordan got cut from his junior high basketball team, etc etc etc. But let’s just acknowledge that perseverance is very, very hard, yeah? By definition, obviously, it takes a toll. Rejections take a toll, especially when you don’t really know what you’re doing wrong. Maybe you’re not doing anything wrong – there are a million reasons why you might not get hired for any particular position that have nothing to do with your qualifications or resume. But maybe you are…

***

What I’m Reading

Primarily “Beautiful World, Where Are You” by Sally Rooney, though I’ve got a few books going on right now. I liked Sally Rooney’s previous books; the very specific (yet universal-feeling) world of Irish millennials loving and leaving one another while musing about capitalism, religion, and politics just does it for me, I guess. This one seems slower, less “plot-focused” – which is to say, not much is actually happening – than the others but I’m still enjoying it.

What I’m Watching

The Bear, and season 2 of Only Murders in the Building, both on Hulu. Re: the latter, You really can’t go wrong with Steve Martin and Martin Short. As for the former, it’s unlike any other show I’ve seen somehow. Compelling as fuck, but also borderline breaking my “no depressing media” rule. OMITB is my current palate cleanser, I guess.

We’re also watching Ms. Marvel, of course, and the South Asian representation is so exciting. I’ve *never* seen Partition depicted or even discussed in American TV or movies – so many people don’t even know it happened – and that was really powerful. It’s a superhero show, obviously, so it’s not exactly the Indian-American sitcom of my dreams…but Never Have I Ever still exists, after all (and is returning in August)!

What I’m Looking Forward To

Visiting our Lacrosse besties in a week and a half. Mulaney, still. Fall.

What I’m Fuming About

I got pulled over while driving home from Milwaukee about a month ago. I had been going ~12mph over the limit, but the cop actually wanted to ticket me for non-registration. Turns out our tags had expired, um…10 months ago? Oops? So whatever, you got me, Jefferson County. I paid the ticket. Today I get a letter in the mail informing me that I still owe the County of Jefferson $2.00. The ticket had been for $175.30, and for some reason I wrote my check (YES, a PAPER CHECK, because the county charges you exorbitant fees to pay online) for $173.30. So now I have to write them another goddamn check, for 2 goddamn dollars, and I am just salty about it.

“Only boring people get bored” – Betty Draper

Not surprising that my social media break has brought on my first blog post in almost half a year. I apparently have things to say that must be said in some manner of public forum!!

Of course, nothing earth-shattering.

I deleted my Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter apps the day of the Uvalde shooting. I haven’t read a word about it since then and plan to keep it that way. Just from several days living in the world since then – overhearing conversations, seeing headlines, etc – I already know more than I wanted to.

When things like this happen (which is weekly? daily?) I struggle between feeling an obligation to bear witness, and the knowledge that constantly doing so is, um, highly detrimental to my mental health. Ignoring it seems like a privilege that many do not have, so I should suck it up and stare unthinkable tragedy in the face every single time, in the name of solidarity. So my train of thought goes. But that doesn’t actually…help anyone. I’m aware of what happened and I know, as everyone with half a brain does, that things need to change but reading every single article and tweet doesn’t accomplish any sort of change. My RTs aren’t doing anything. Bathing myself in the sludgy discourse of this inexorable American hellscape only succeeds in making me sadder, more hopeless, less able to think about anything but the hellscape, less able to be enjoy and be present in my own life.

I’ve always been interested in what goes on in other places. Other cultures, other countries, other families, other communities. I suppose because I found my own too boring. When you’re a kid, nothing’s worse than boring – as a grownup, you have the perspective to see what a blessing boring can be. I had a “boring” childhood – parents happily together, financially stable, loving home, safe community – and I couldn’t be more grateful for it now. But the urge to look and see what’s happening “out there” remains strong.

To take this idea even further – I’ve noticed a pattern I have when catching up with friends. They say “what’s new?” and I usually talk about either V or Ashwin. V is busy with work, Ashwin said a new word, etc. I avoid talking about myself, I think, because I fear I’m boring. Especially at this stage in my life as a stay-at-home mom. I rarely have an interesting personal answer to “what’s new”.

***

I am trying to get some part-time work in the near future. I’ve been saying that for awhile. But we found Ashwin a spot at a really great daycare starting at the end of August, and I will need a productive way to spend those days. I have all sorts of feelings about sending him to daycare, of course, but I think those are for another day. He needs to spend more time around other kids and we can only go on so many playdates.

Look at my baby though.

What I’m Reading

Take My Hand, by Dolen Perkins-Valdez. It’s about a young Black woman in 1970s Alabama who has recently begun her nursing career at a family planning clinic serving primarily local low-income Black folks…and you can probably guess where this is going. The RECENT history of forced sterilization in this country is fucking mad.

What I’m Watching

The MIL has introduced me to Korean soap operas on Netflix and we’re currently in the middle of Business Proposal. And yes, it’s absolutely overwhelmingly silly and overdramatic, but turns out that’s just what I need right now. I’m fully invested in Kang Tae-moo and Shin Ha-ri. Man, I wish some Indian soaps would make it to Netflix.

What I’m Looking Forward To:

V is off work this whole week! We were going to do a Detroit road trip but decided against it, so we’re doing a couple days in Chicago. In July we’ll be seeing Hannah Gadsby in Milwaukee, and in August seeing my boyfriend John Mulaney right here in Madison.

What I’m Fuming About:

I’m actively avoiding fuming. Social media break is definitely key here.

2021? I don’t know her

I don’t really feel like doing the whole New Years song and dance. Everybody says basically the same thing: 2021 was hard, really really hard, but it had some bright spots and here’s hoping for a better 2022. I don’t have anything much more original to say, unfortunately, but yet I’m compelled to say my piece regardless.

We watched Ashwin transition to solid foods, learn to walk, and get actually sick for the first time.

We visited family in Detroit and friends in Lacrosse, and that was it for traveling.

We got vaccinated and boosted, and longed for the day when Ashwin can do the same.

I didn’t get anything published, despite pitching a dozen times, but I did take a great freelancing class with the delightful and brilliant Amber Petty. I applied for a whole bunch of different jobs, and had zero interviews.

I went on probably a hundred stroller walks with Ashwin, which I deeply miss now that a) it’s freezing outside and b) he’s extremely uninterested in being in his stroller at all.

I tracked my food intake off and on and off and on. I lost about 10 pounds, may have gained half of them back since Thanksgiving, and continue to try to stop hating my body.

We bought a house, a whole goddamn house, that we are very slowly moving into.

I grew apart from some formerly very close friends and I’m still kind of grieving and processing that.

I tried to remember myself.

We got tons and tons and tons of takeout, mainly from Tipsy Cow, Tavernakaya, Monsoon Siam, and Bar Corallini. We spent a lot of money on groceries but did not actually cook much. I went to Target about four times a week on average. I drank a lot of strawberry acai lemonades.

We saw a small handful of movies in the theater. I had a Goodreads goal of 25 books, I made it through 20, and I’m perfectly fine with that.

I neglected laundry and the dishes and vacuuming and general tidiness to take depression naps.

I watched so much Phineas and Ferb. I watched so much Bluey, which is actually a delight, in very large part due to the Australian-ness.

I fell out of love with Aaron Rodgers, watched the Bucks and the lady Badgers volleyball team win national championships, and emerged victorious in the final season of the Best Friends Forever fantasy football league.

I witnessed my friends score some beautiful, hard-won victories, from pregnancy to promotions to sobriety.

We took family photos on two different occasions, once the three of us and once with the three of us plus my parents, brother, and SIL.

I haven’t the faintest idea what 2022 holds. Can our current dystopia outdo itself once more and render us speechless at what fresh horrors will come in the new year? I have no doubt. I would like to set goals, but I’ve never been good at that; I so dislike the potential for failure that it’s simply easier to pretend I don’t actually want to achieve anything. Look, more therapy fodder!!

Oh, it’s…December? huh

Ashwin has been sick for the last 36 hours or so. We took him to the ER last night because he was so incredibly lethargic and refusing all food/water and throwing up and had a fever. All of the things. I don’t know if I’d ever been in an ER before, and had heard horror stories of people being turned away during the pandemic (aka currently) for lack of beds and/or staff to treat folks. Fortunately that didn’t happen to us, and didn’t appear to be happening to anybody else there. He was eventually given an anti-nausea medicine and soon was acting like his old active self so we were discharged – but then this morning, it was back to Lethargy Town. He napped for 3+ hours and woke up much better, so basically it’s just seesawing and I’m really not a fan of this rollercoaster. I don’t want him to be sick when he wakes up again.

Seeing your kid – your baby – like that is levels of shitty that I was not prepared for. Anyone who has met Ashwin, or even seen him on social media, knows that he’s an active, engaging, curious, giggly dude. Yesterday and this morning he was exactly the opposite. Not interested in a damn thing besides being held, which of course V and I were happy to oblige, but it’s hard to enjoy those cuddles when you don’t know what’s making him act so out of character.

I know it’s only a stomach bug. It’s not the end of the world. He will be fine. All of that. I think both V and I experienced some Seattle NICU flashbacks waiting in that ER, so remembering how tiny and fragile he was then just made the whole night more emotional. But he’s come a long way, my boy.

***

Momming in general has me thinking lately about innocence. As a kid/teenager I thought “innocence” was such a crock, so overrated. Like please just leave me the fuck alone and let me learn things for myself. Of course, from the parent perspective, it’s about protection and not wanting any harm to come your kid’s way…literally the most understandable impulse in the universe. I skim Twitter and dread the day when I have to start explaining to Ashwin what anti-vaxxers are, who Brett Kavanaugh is, why the bad orange man fucked the country for decades to come, and where exactly all those people without homes at Reindahl Park are supposed to go. And that’s just barely scratching the surface. It’s a horrible goddamn world, and I know that really there is nothing new under the sun, but it sure feels like things are unprecedently bad right now.

I know there is a ton of beauty in the world; I know there are tons and tons of good people. I have seen it and I know them. I know they tend not to make the headlines and the headlines are a big part of what’s making me crazy and being on Twitter and the internet as a whole less often would probably improve my situation. But try as I might, I can never stay away for too long.

***

Our house-hunting journey ended up being much shorter than anticipated. We got an accepted offer less than a month after first meeting with our realtor (the esteemed and beloved Kelda Roys) and we close in a couple of weeks. At every turn, the sellers have been really accommodating and reasonable and it’s been miraculously different from the current standard real estate narrative of cash offers, paying way way over asking price, not getting an inspection, etc. And while we’re not exactly in the part of town I hoped to be in, we are in the city of Madison, and that was a big deal to me.

Sometimes I think this whole blog is basically just me saying over and over “something kinda shitty happened, but it’s not THAT bad, I’m actually super lucky, so you know what never mind!!!!!!! Here’s an ironic meme, byeeee” Not sure if that’s more or less annoying than just complaining all the time or just nonstop cooing about how fortunate I am. *shrug emoji* Guess we’ll never know!!!

***

What I’m Reading:

God, I’ve got like six books going right now and can’t seem to make headway with any of them. But I most recently finished The Laziness Lie, which I absolutely insist you read if you’ve ever felt exhausted and burned out by life. So yeah, 100% of us. It’s short, you’ll love it, it was a balm to my soul and I will probably buy it and loan it out to whoever will listen to me.

What I’m Watching:

Obviously Succession, which just keeps getting better and better. Also the Dexter revival, which…is a bit hackneyed so far but I’m willing to go with it and see what happens. Also Hawkeye, a true holiday delight, and when I get the chance, SELLING muthafuckin SUNSET. Maybe this is my version of watching the Kardashians. I can live with that. I eat that luxury real estate/incredibly petty drama/plastic surgery overload shit up.

What I’m Looking Forward To:

Closing on the house and moving in, which probably won’t happen until the new year, but that will give us time to do some painting and clean the carpets and yada yada yada.

Also I must admit that I’m very curiously and sentimentally awaiting “And Just Like That…“. Will it be actually good? I mean, maybe? Will it be schmaltzy? For sure I think. Part of me would prefer to keep Carrie et al forever in their 30s, where I am comfortable, and doesn’t really want to see the aging and the changing and the ~*mid-life discoveries*~ that seem inevitable and scary and very un-fun.

What I’m Fuming About:

I can’t read too much about this cynical partisan buffoonery that is incredibly harmful for democracy or I will really and truly lose my mind. Any news in this general category raises my rage meter like very little else, because it’s something I actually have intimate knowledge of and I used to deal with these people and I know just how much of an obscene clown show it all is.

What I’m Listening To:

The Phineas and Ferb theme song occasionally alternating with the Bluey theme song. I will spare your brain and not link to them.

The bad kind of nostalgia

I’m going to write about TV again! I’m on a roll. Someone pay me to write about TV please.

I’m getting caught up on Queen Sugar, now that season 5 is streaming on Hulu. Season 5 originally aired in the spring of this year, but of course we are cord-cutting millennials, so I had to wait for it to stream. I didn’t realize that they were going to…actually include the pandemic in their storytelling world. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

I’m only through episode 2, which is set in mid-March 2020, right at the beginning of it all. Folks are aware of the coronavirus as something happening in other parts of the world, and even in Seattle, but they don’t think it will come for them – until everything starts shutting down and they realize that’s an absurd fantasy, because it’s a virus, and viruses like to travel. The ominous vibe is really unsettling! This was only a year and a half ago but it’s seared in my brain forever, as I’m sure it is for most of us: hearing about it, reading about it, initially thinking it was nothing to worry about, then slowly, every day, getting more scary information that indicated something unprecedented was about to happen. (I mean yes, pandemics certainly are precedented, but you know what I mean goddammit.)

We’d *just* brought Ashwin home from 30-odd days in the NICU. My mom had gone back to Wisconsin and V’s mom had *just* arrived to stay with us. I was so, so scared. My death anxiety cranked up to 11. I literally believed we were all going to die. The government’s advice kept changing – which is obviously natural, given how science works, as they learned more about COVID, but it just had the effect of terrifying everyone and making us Clorox our cereal boxes and leaving our Amazon packages outside for days on end to “decontaminate” or something.

We were vigilant. In those first few months, which were our last in Seattle, we didn’t go anywhere. I think the last place we went before the lockdown began was our favorite donut place in Queen Anne, Top Pot on West Galer by the library. After that, we took walks around the neighborhood but absolutely nothing else. And there was nowhere to go, anyway. Instacart was indispensable. We were three adults stuck in a 750 square foot apartment, watching Netflix and playing cards and cooking every meal and caring for a temperamental infant. We had no idea when it was going to end, when we could go back to normal.

What I’m saying is, there was just so much fear. Fear had never been such a dominating part of my life. Anxiety, sure, obviously, but this feeling of utter, unending terror was really unfamiliar. It was our constant companion in that apartment, every day and every night. And I’m not enjoying my favorite soap opera dredging all that back up.

***

The house hunt continues. We’ve gone to see 6 or 7 houses so far, all with their own merits and demerits, none that were clearly right for us. I’m questioning every single priority item that we told our realtor; maybe we *should* give in to the suburbs?? Is a split-level home *really* the worst?? Maybe we *do* need a new-ish house??? Who the hell knows.

What I’m Reading

What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat, by Aubrey Gordon. Aubrey Gordon co-hosts one of my favorite podcasts, Maintenance Phase, which has challenged many of my long-held beliefs about weight loss and general health/wellness. I highly recommend it – the book and the podcast, but especially the podcast.

What I’m Watching

Besides Queen Sugar – Succession, of course. We rewatched season 2 last week in preparation for the season 3 premiere, which I’m very glad we did, and now we’re sinking our teeth into the Roy family’s foibles once again. God, if ever there was an illustration of what happens when you don’t give children an unconditionally loving and stable and grounded upbringing, it’s this show.

What I’m Fuming About

Oh, a lot. Today I’m angry about voter suppression laws that have made it harder to engage in democracy in large swathes of the country. I’m always angry about abortion law chicanery. And it’s always a good time to be pissed at anti-vaxxers, especially ones charged with protecting the public!!

Just a big wuss now, I guess

I started watching Maid on Netflix, because I loved the book a few years ago. I remembered it as an inspiring memoir of a single mom who worked incredibly hard at a really shitty job, so that she and her daughter could be okay. And that’s basically what it is. But I don’t know if it’s the really good acting or if I’m just a lot more sensitive than I used to be – and I have always been VERY SENSITIVE! – but I couldn’t really take it. I turned it off as the daughter was having a tantrum in the car because she lost her doll, and the mom had just been told she had to go back and finish a cleaning job because the client was unhappy with it, and she’s got like literally $2 to her name, and she hasn’t eaten all day, and she’s homeless, because her daughter’s father is a violent alcoholic. Like…that’s just so much shit. Just one of those things would be hard enough on its own.

Ever since Ashwin was born I’ve had a really hard time watching anything where children are endangered or in any kind of bad situation. It completely stresses me out, which is the opposite of what I’m looking for when I watch TV or movies. I never thought I’d be someone who didn’t want to watch something because it was “too violent” – like, that just makes me think of a very square little Victorian lady with delicate sensibilities.

I know that the plot of Maid is real life for a lot of people, because this country seems to believe that any kind of real safety net is socialism. I’ve read so many books to that effect, so much investigative journalism and muckraking about the innumerable ills of our world: racism, sexism, classism, homophobia, tax cheats, bad schools, an increasingly shitty environment, xenophobia, crumbling infrastructure.

But honestly? My daily life is pretty distant from most of that. My privileges have sheltered me. So to turn away from something like Maid, something that’s hard but very real, feels to me like I’m copping out. If other people have to live it, I should at a minimum be able to bear witness. That’s the literal least I can do. Lately though, I just can’t – not without going down a really dark rabbit hole in my psyche. I’m using my privilege to shield me from things I find simply too sad, because I have that luxury.

***

We’ve started house-hunting. Yes, I know how the market is. Yes, I am anxious about it. No, we’re not going to keep renting. We are somehow going to buy a home in the next few months, come hell or high water. We at least know some things from our first home-buying rodeo: namely, that corner houses are the worst November through March, kitchens are a big deal, and yard maintenance is an evil time suck best left to professionals.

What I’m Reading:

Most recently finished “The Heart’s Invisible Furies” by John Boyne. It’s basically the life story of a gay Irishman born in the 1940s or 1950s, when gay was absolutely 10000% not an okay thing to be or even speak of. It’s a beautiful story with a perfect happy ending.

Now I’ve started “You Got Anything Stronger?” by Gabrielle Union, because Gabrielle Union is one of those celebrities I’m weirdly fascinated by and I just like her.

What I’m Watching:

We finally finished Veep, which had THE BEST finale episode of any TV show I know. Now we’re catching up on Brooklyn Nine Nine (kind of dropping in quality as it ends) and Ted Lasso (brilliant, every week).

What I’m Listening To:

Random songs from mix CDs of decades past.

What I’m Looking Forward To:

More fall color. Actual fall weather.