Category Archives: quarantine

The bad kind of nostalgia

I’m going to write about TV again! I’m on a roll. Someone pay me to write about TV please.

I’m getting caught up on Queen Sugar, now that season 5 is streaming on Hulu. Season 5 originally aired in the spring of this year, but of course we are cord-cutting millennials, so I had to wait for it to stream. I didn’t realize that they were going to…actually include the pandemic in their storytelling world. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

I’m only through episode 2, which is set in mid-March 2020, right at the beginning of it all. Folks are aware of the coronavirus as something happening in other parts of the world, and even in Seattle, but they don’t think it will come for them – until everything starts shutting down and they realize that’s an absurd fantasy, because it’s a virus, and viruses like to travel. The ominous vibe is really unsettling! This was only a year and a half ago but it’s seared in my brain forever, as I’m sure it is for most of us: hearing about it, reading about it, initially thinking it was nothing to worry about, then slowly, every day, getting more scary information that indicated something unprecedented was about to happen. (I mean yes, pandemics certainly are precedented, but you know what I mean goddammit.)

We’d *just* brought Ashwin home from 30-odd days in the NICU. My mom had gone back to Wisconsin and V’s mom had *just* arrived to stay with us. I was so, so scared. My death anxiety cranked up to 11. I literally believed we were all going to die. The government’s advice kept changing – which is obviously natural, given how science works, as they learned more about COVID, but it just had the effect of terrifying everyone and making us Clorox our cereal boxes and leaving our Amazon packages outside for days on end to “decontaminate” or something.

We were vigilant. In those first few months, which were our last in Seattle, we didn’t go anywhere. I think the last place we went before the lockdown began was our favorite donut place in Queen Anne, Top Pot on West Galer by the library. After that, we took walks around the neighborhood but absolutely nothing else. And there was nowhere to go, anyway. Instacart was indispensable. We were three adults stuck in a 750 square foot apartment, watching Netflix and playing cards and cooking every meal and caring for a temperamental infant. We had no idea when it was going to end, when we could go back to normal.

What I’m saying is, there was just so much fear. Fear had never been such a dominating part of my life. Anxiety, sure, obviously, but this feeling of utter, unending terror was really unfamiliar. It was our constant companion in that apartment, every day and every night. And I’m not enjoying my favorite soap opera dredging all that back up.

***

The house hunt continues. We’ve gone to see 6 or 7 houses so far, all with their own merits and demerits, none that were clearly right for us. I’m questioning every single priority item that we told our realtor; maybe we *should* give in to the suburbs?? Is a split-level home *really* the worst?? Maybe we *do* need a new-ish house??? Who the hell knows.

What I’m Reading

What We Don’t Talk About When We Talk About Fat, by Aubrey Gordon. Aubrey Gordon co-hosts one of my favorite podcasts, Maintenance Phase, which has challenged many of my long-held beliefs about weight loss and general health/wellness. I highly recommend it – the book and the podcast, but especially the podcast.

What I’m Watching

Besides Queen Sugar – Succession, of course. We rewatched season 2 last week in preparation for the season 3 premiere, which I’m very glad we did, and now we’re sinking our teeth into the Roy family’s foibles once again. God, if ever there was an illustration of what happens when you don’t give children an unconditionally loving and stable and grounded upbringing, it’s this show.

obvi

What I’m Fuming About

Oh, a lot. Today I’m angry about voter suppression laws that have made it harder to engage in democracy in large swathes of the country. I’m always angry about abortion law chicanery. And it’s always a good time to be pissed at anti-vaxxers, especially ones charged with protecting the public!!

Keepin’ On

Ashwin was at Oma and Opa’s for the weekend, so V and I watched football and stuffed our faces and caught up on sleep. I didn’t even think I was capable of sleeping past 8 anymore, but I woke up at 10:23 on Sunday – absolutely sublime.

I am feeling a little melancholy remembering the Friendsgivingmases of years past that often took place the weekend before Christmas. What I wouldn’t give to hang out with all my friends at once! To drink festively and sing karaoke and play games and watch dumb movies. We really took it for granted, even though it was one of just a few times a year we would typically all be together. It was prioritized, and it was always, always fun and memorable and cozy. I miss it and I miss them. I miss brunch and traveling and not routinely having pandemic-related nightmares.

Last year at this time, I was pregnant and home for the holidays. It was such a sweet trip – people are just generally so kind and gentle with you when you’re carrying a baby. And for like 30 minutes after you have had the baby.

I don’t think I’ll be doing the Nagappala Book Awards for 2020 because I’ve only read 18 books. I didn’t really know how to set a reading goal for a year when I knew I’d be caring for a new baby. I still don’t. Even though Ashwin is almost a year old, sometimes things still feel very, very new. Sometimes I wake up with him at 5:00am or whatever it is, with the whole day stretching out before us and I just don’t know how I’m supposed to pass the time with him. I never spent significant amounts of time with babies before Ashwin. I feel like I’m supposed to be packing every minute of his day with “enrichment” of some kind. My therapist says (LOL sorry) it’s enough that I’m reading to him, talking to him, singing with him, and letting him play independently. And that’s basically our day, plus feeding and those awesome 25-minute naps he is so fond of. I’m always singing Wheels on the Bus or You Are My Sunshine or any one of the random songs I’ve completely made up over the last 10.5 months. Thank God V has noise-cancelling headphones or I’m sure we’d drive him crazy.

Before Ashwin was born, I was pretty sure I wasn’t cut out to be a stay-at-home mom. COVID kind of took that decision away from me, since it makes zero sense to put Ashwin in daycare where he could potentially be exposed just for me to work a job that isn’t strictly necessary for our financial survival. I’ve had to let go of some really cool opportunities that simply couldn’t fit in our current circumstances, and I am trying not to be resentful about that. This year – 2020 itself, and Ashwin’s first year of life – has just been nothing like I thought it would be. At least I’m far from alone in that.

What I’m reading:

  • Caste, by Isabel Wilkerson. So far significantly more dense than her first, The Warmth of Other Suns, which happens to be in my top 10 faves of all time…but it’s still incredibly compelling.

What I’m watching:

  • Our latest “wind down” show is…Frasier. Yes, Frasier, of the ’90s. I don’t know why we picked it, but it’s predictable and chuckle-funny and has a good amount of Seattle references, so I’m digging it.

What I’m seething about:

  • The fact that Congress is just now actually doing something about direct stimulus for Americans in need – and it’s a lousy $600 per person. You can’t pay rent ANYWHERE with 600 damn dollars. Folks who are struggling will be able to pay one or two outstanding bills and then be right back where they started. But Mitch McConnell and Co. won’t lose a wink of sleep.
  • Speaking of The Grotesque Turtle, McConnell has of course gotten the COVID vaccine already, because as you know, being a turtle is a very high-risk occupation and he obviously needs the shot before millions of health care workers get it. Obviously!

Re-established

So we are “settled” now in Madison, by which I mean living in our own apartment with our own belongings.

Where we once had a view of beautiful Lake Union from our balcony in Seattle, we now have a view of…a car dealership and a drainage pond. It’s not exactly picturesque, but I cannot really complain because the apartment itself is fabulous and perfect for the three of us.

My mom comes down a couple days a week to help with Ashwin and it is difficult to put into words what that means to me. In practical terms, it means I can run errands or nap or do chores or just fucking breathe for a bit without consoling a screaming 7 month old. But it also means I’m really home now, and my baby and my parents are totally bonded and in love with each other, and they don’t have to make do with video chats and Facebook posts. And that is priceless.

Life definitely hasn’t returned to pre-pandemic normalcy, but for my own circumstances, things are a bit more normal than they were in March. I definitely limit my in-person shopping compared to the Before Times, and we don’t eat at restaurants indoors (very rarely outdoors either, almost always takeout or delivery). I’m starting to forget what the Before Times were like, though – we watch TV and I get anxious seeing people standing 12 inches apart and unmasked. Or they’re in a restaurant and it’s like oh my god i remember when i could do that. I still haven’t seen the majority of my extended family since being back in Wisconsin, which is a huge bummer because I’d love to have a big meet-the-baby party.

Something I saw on Twitter the other day…a photo of San Francisco, all orange from wildfire smoke, and people wearing masks and the comment of like, imagine having to explain to yourself from last year that no, the masks aren’t for the smoky air, they’re for something else entirely. 2020 just wants to be the shitshow to end all shitshows, I guess, and it is only September.

The Week's Best Memes, Ranked - Digg
how is it even possible that this is my first MJ meme.

Through a freelance writing course that I’m currently taking, I’ve started a practice of daily writing for 20 minutes – something I’ve always known that I should do, if I want to be a successful writer, but which I’ve never been able to actually do until now. I am not good at setting new habits. But I set an alarm for 9:00pm every night, after Ashwin has gone to bed and we’ve eaten dinner and watched our TV show. Some days I get to it before 9:00, if my mom is taking care of Ashwin, but most days it’s right around then. I hope eventually it will serve as a generator of article ideas, but right now it’s mostly brain vomit – which serves its own purpose, frankly.

***

What I’m reading:

  • “Redefining Realness” by Janet Mock. I will be totally candid and say that I have some learning to do about the “T” in LGBTQ. It’s not difficult for me to understand men being attracted to men or women being attracted to women or any combination thereof; I learned long ago (thanks, women’s studies!) that sexuality is a spectrum and very few of us are really all the way on one pole or the other. But because I’m cis, because I was born into a body that makes sense to me, and because the gender binary is so deeply rooted in our society’s paradigms, it takes a little more work and imagination for me to understand what it might be like to be transgender. I’ve read one other “trans memoir” before this but I’m enjoying Janet Mock’s, as she’s one of the most famous trans people in the world and has a really compelling story.
  • “The Vanishing Half” by Brit Bennett. Loved her first book but so far this one is even better. I have so little time/energy to read these days but when I do get to it, it’s a lovely treat.

What I’m watching:

  • “Search Party” on HBO Max. This show is good, y’all. It savagely satirizes millennials while being a suspenseful story that kind of starts out as a whodunit and…well, to say more would get spoiler-y, but you really should check it out if you have access to HBO Max.
  • House Hunters while feeding Ashwin, always. V and I love to hate these ridiculous couples and it’s a great background show.

What I’m seething about:

  • Climate change. Like…is there going to come a time when we begin to take this shit seriously or does a deep red state have to start burning in order for the evil man in the White House to take notice? There is so very much to be scared about in the event of his reelection, but climate change is very high up on that list for me. The smart scientists say we don’t have much time left and I am inclined to believe the overwhelming majority of professionals in any field of science in what they have to say. Crazy, right?
  • The fact that Russia is again going to fuck with our election, is in fact already fucking with it, and we are doing fuck-all about it
  • What these students said
  • Who needs Russia to fuck things up when you’ve got a state Supreme Court throwing the whole absentee ballot process into confusion?
  • How it has rained ALL WEEK and therefore I’ve been even more cooped up inside than usual and the one time I did venture out on a stroller walk with Ashwin, we (I) got soaked
ughhhhh

Vonnegut was right, man

I’m not sure if it’s a consequence of parenthood, or the quarantine, or both – but I’ve noticed that I am appreciating certain things a lot more now than I ever did. Like right now, everybody in the apartment is asleep except for me, and it’s deliciously quiet, just me and the dishwasher humming along. I know it won’t last terribly long so I am really savoring it. I don’t really have “empty” time anymore, and I used to have a lot of it, especially when I was pregnant, and *especially* when I was pregnant and not doing any Wag walks. “Do nothing but fuck around on your phone” kind of empty time, doing that endless Facebook-Instagram-Twitter loop. When I have free time now, it’s so precious that I actually take a minute or two and literally think about how pleasant the moment is and how nice the quiet is, and that’s something I never really did before. Maybe this is what they call mindfulness? I don’t love that word, but it is truly beneficial to my mental health to spend time actually noticing when I’m happy…if that makes sense…and I think I’ve gotten better at noticing it while still in the moment. It’s like that Kurt Vonnegut quote:

“And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is’.” 

Example two: last night I was holding Ashwin, trying to put him to sleep, which he of course was resisting with all his little might, and V came in and enveloped both of us in a big hug as we rocked back and forth. Lullaby music was playing from the bassinet and it was just a beautiful “we’re a family” Hallmark kind of moment. He and I were our own family before we had a baby, but now that we share this monumental and awesome task of raising a little human, I feel even more like we are a team, our own unit.

I’m hardly on Twitter at all anymore and God, is it glorious. I don’t know why it took a global pandemic for me to realize that the never-ending doom-scrolling was taking a legit toll on my mind. Twitter has its uses but for now, for me, the negatives far outweigh the positives.

It’s also been pleasant to spend time thinking about our eventual return to Wisconsin. I’m sure if we were planning on staying in Seattle long-term, I could gradually form some sort of community here, but back in Madison I have not only my existing support network, but a greater capacity to find “mom friends” through the friends and connections I already have. It’s just next to impossible to do virtually (even though there are lots of online support groups, etc).

What I’m reading:

  • Last finished “Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts” and definitely enjoyed the reassurances and normalizing of the postpartum period not being the happiest time of life. For some people I guess it really is magnificent and blissful but for others – I’d argue perhaps the majority – it’s fucking hard and full of doubt, uncertainty, and even rage. Any and every even slightly less-than-blissful new mom should read it.

What I’m watching:

  • Little Fires Everywhere is phenomenal. Reese Witherspoon really plays the same character that she plays in Big Little Lies, just set in the ’90s and wearing more skirt suits. She may definitely play a certain type, but no one can say she doesn’t do it masterfully.
  • The Last Dance. It’s like a gift from the NBA gods, who saw us suffering in the absence of basketball and delivered a documentary on my childhood heroes. Allow me a short digression…
    • As a kid (like, elementary and middle school) I loved basketball and I specifically loved the Chicago Bulls. The Milwaukee Bucks at the time weren’t anything to write home about and besides, the Bulls had Michael goddamn Jordan. I loved him. I watched every game I could on WGN and ESPN, often with my dad, who was deeply chagrined by my less ardent, but still significant fondness for Dennis Rodman. In 1997, I begged my dad to get a subscription to Sports Illustrated because they were running a promotion where you not only got a gift of this DVD along with a new subscription order, but you also got this SWEET ASS watch. I had to have them both and my wonderful daddy obliged. You guys, I still have that DVD. I don’t have the watch because the band eventually broke but you best believe I wore it to death while it lasted. So the point of this story is that I loved Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls more than any 11-year-old white girl from Wisconsin reasonably should and therefore, I am incredibly excited about The Last Dance and the first two episodes have not disappointed that 11-year-old girl who lives inside me.
  • Still watching a couple episodes a day of Lost with V and the MIL. It’s funny how little I remember from the other TWO TIMES I’ve watched the entire series. V has a mind like a goddamn steel trap for TV shows and movies but with me, it’s like I forget it as soon as it’s over. Except 30 Rock. I’m never not watching 30 Rock long enough to forget any of it.

What I’m listening to:

  • You can probably guess. OMGTHENEWFIONAAPPLEISFUCKINGAMAZING. Fetch the Bolt Cutters is a goddamn masterpiece and I’m obsessed with it. My favorite songs are the title track, Shameika, Under the Table, and Ladies. At least those are the ones that get stuck in my head the most. Bless Fiona for releasing this beautiful music while we are all cooped up and in need of joy. Granted, “joy” and “Fiona Apple” aren’t words that normally go together but if you’re as big a fan as I am, you get it.

What I’m cooking baking:

  • Oatmeal Raisinet cookies. Oats are allegedly supposed to increase breastmilk production, so I suppose we can pretend that’s why I made a double batch this week and probably will again in a few days. Hot tip: don’t use actual Raisinets. Use dark chocolate covered raisins from Trader Joe’s. WAY better.

What I’m annoyed about:

I will leave you with an Isis photo, because Ashwin gets all the social media love these days, and my girl still has the cutest bleps around.

img_20200422_215052
please allow my adorable blep to distract from the fact that i have gnawed off all my stomach fur

Update #1 from Quarantine-ville

Well this sucks, doesn’t it?

Never did I imagine that I’d be spending my son’s first weeks of post-NICU life under quarantine. Neither did I imagine that he would be born 7 weeks early. 2020 is just chock full of twists and turns and frankly I am well over it at this point.

Ashwin was discharged on March 7, 5 weeks after he was born. We had gotten into a pretty good routine with the NICU – visit him from around 11am until 5 or 6pm, go home and rest, repeat. It was very much part-time parenting, which made the transition from NICU to home quite…jarring. We’d had way more preparation for it than non-preemie parents get, which is the huge upside to being in the NICU: constant help and resources right at your fingertips, plus (in our case), you get to go home and get actual sleep!

So yeah, those first few days of full cohabitation were rough. My mom left on the 9th, and V’s mom arrived on the 10th; the 24 hours in between were REALLY rough. My MIL got here just in time, thank God, before travel from Europe was banned and before we were under quarantine.

I want to tell you a little bit about that really rough 24 hours, even though I don’t want to and I’m genuinely afraid of judgment, because I hope it will help another new mom or dad feel less alone or less like something is wrong with them.

I had anticipated postpartum depression. I saw it coming like that acquaintance you see in the grocery store that you don’t want to talk to, so you hide out and hope they won’t see you so you can continue about your day. I hoped PPD wouldn’t see me, but it did, and as hard as the NICU was, the full force of the depression didn’t hit me until we brought Ash home. I couldn’t have prepared for the crying, the screaming, the constant anxiety and uncertainty, the lack of sleep. It hit me like a ton of bricks and honestly, I had some pretty dark thoughts that night, questioning everything – why had we done this? Why did we try so hard for this? What the hell did we sign up for? How can I be expected to function under these conditions? How does anyone do this?

Please understand how embarrassing/shameful it is for me to admit that, as someone who tried for five years to get pregnant. All the blood (so much blood), sweat (eh, not so much?), and tears (you better believe it) it took to get us here and now I feel…anything less than jubilant?? Like how fucking dare I? I tell myself that this is a hard stage, some people say THE hardest stage, and it will get better, and I know that that’s true. I think if will even start getting a little better as soon as he starts interacting with us more. It boggles my mind that people volunteer for this two, three, four, five times. I never ever thought I’d want just one kid, but now it feels like a real possibility. I don’t know. And I haven’t even touched on breast milk vs. formula.

And for all this to be happening during coronavirus…it’s just…a LOT. I’m truly at levels of anxiety I have never experienced. I just want to know when it will be over. I have an appointment with a perinatal psychiatrist on Monday and I hope there is something that can be done with my medications, like hopefully introducing a new one, because the two I’m on now are already at their maximum dosages. It’s scary playing around with different anxiety and depression drugs, though, so I really really hope whatever we do is helpful on the first try.

What I’m reading: Well, not much honestly. When I’m pumping in the middle of the night I’m too exhausted to read, and during the day there just isn’t a lot of time. When I have picked up a book, it’s been Daniel Lavery’s “Something That May Shock and Discredit You“, which tbh is a disappointment! I hate saying that because I absolutely love Dear Prudence and just like Danny as a person in general, but the book has a lot of highbrow literary/antiquity references that I simply do not get and therefore have skipped. I may not finish it. I’ve also been reading “Cribsheet” by Emily Oster, which is subtitled “A data-driven guide to better, more relaxed parenting from birth to preschool”. You can probably guess which word sold me on the book.

What I’m watching: V has The Office on whenever he’s feeding Ashwin, so there’s been a whole lot of that. But I’ve also checked out “Babies” on Netflix and am rewatching some Schitt’s Creek with my MIL who seems to enjoy it.

What I’m annoyed about: oh, where to begin. Well it definitely is annoying having to learn all these dumb little things that baby requires: how to properly strap him into the car seat, how to assemble the baby carrier, which of his cries means he’s hungry vs. he’s cold vs. he’s pooped himself. My brain feels very antagonistic toward learning anything right now, for some reason.

What I’m looking forward to: obviously, more than anything, for the pandemic to subside and normalcy to resume. I don’t know if that will be in weeks or months, and as much as I want it to happen, I don’t want it to happen too soon and have even more people get infected. Specifically, I am looking forward to getting my nails done, going to the library, taking walks without fear of accidental human contact, going out to eat, getting a massage…etc.

Please be careful and stay well. Please don’t go anywhere you don’t absolutely need to. Please send me strength and resolve and peace.