I miss my family so much. I can’t get through a video call with my parents without crying. I’ve missed two calls from my grandma in the last week because I was doing something with Ashwin and both times she left me the sweetest voicemails. It’s just horrible to me that she hasn’t even met my son yet. It’s not right. I want that four-generation photo with Ashwin, me, my mom, and my gram. I just want to get on a goddamn plane. Part of me wouldn’t mind grabbing Ash and V and the MIL, getting in the car, and hitting the road for Wisconsin with only what our trunk could hold. Because fuck our stuff, we can get new stuff.
It’s a nice little fantasy.
I am so fucking sick of seeing and hearing the words coronavirus, COVID-19, pandemic, social distancing, and Zoom. People want to talk about absolutely nothing else and my brain cannot take it.
You’d think, minus the whole postpartum thing, I would be thriving under these conditions of what is essentially house arrest. I love staying home. I love not going places. I love my couch. But turns out, I only love it when I can choose it…which I think is probably the case for most of my fellow introverts. We are not enjoying this much more than our extroverted friends.
This isn’t how Ash’s first few months were supposed to go. The NICU was stressful enough – when we got out, nobody was under quarantine yet, and it hadn’t really occurred to me that that was a possibility. So I was still daydreaming of taking him to the park in his stroller or in a baby carrier, meeting up with other new moms and their babies and commiserating about our collective lack of sleep and how we’re always lactating through our shirts and all that fun cool stuff. I thought I would have a village. You’re supposed to have a whole village of mom friends and female relatives to get you through this stage. Instead I have to lean so hard on my husband and my MIL, who have both been so patient and kind and loving to me, but who shouldn’t have to bear my weight and their own.
If you’ve made it this far, you must truly love me (or enjoy hate-reading, which… fair, I do it too). I hope you are safe and happy and healthy and you remain so.
What I’m reading:
- “Wow, No Thank You.” by Samantha Irby. I own and adore her previous two books. It’s her voice I’m often trying to imitate when I think I’m being funny. She’s just the best.
What I’m watching:
- We are rewatching Lost with my mother-in-law and it is a trip. The early/mid-2000s fashion is worth it alone.
- I’ve watched one episode of Little Fires Everywhere and keep meaning to get to the rest but you know…baby. There’s always some task that needs doing. (I’m internet-pseudo-friends with one of the show writers!)
What I’m cooking:
- Not much these days, because MIL spoils us, but tonight I wanted to get back in the kitchen and make something again just because it had been awhile. Plus, my psychiatrist recommended doing something I enjoy and something I’m good at every day, so I chose a recipe that is pretty difficult to screw up and that I’ve made a hundred times: minestrone soup. Really, it’s only difficult to screw up if you have all the proper ingredients. When you have less than half the required amount of vegetable stock (used water to make up the difference)…no diced tomatoes (subbed 2 fresh, which you’d think would be better?? but isn’t)…no kidney beans (subbed cannellini beans)…it starts to look pretty goddamn unappetizing and now I’m just mad at myself for fucking up something so easy when MIL kept saying we should just have leftovers, but I just HAD to cook.
What I’m fuming about:
- Wisconsin Republicans: what the fuck else is new.
Sconnie Molly 